Episode three hunties! YES! You KNOW I am worth the wait!
After runway and eliminations, the queens return to the werk room and read Sasha Belle’s passive-aggressive lipstick message.
Katya is freaking out that she was almost eliminated. “I survived by the skin of my fucking fingernails!”
Sour Grapes gets de-corsetted and I feel like I’m interrupting a private moment.
Then suddenly Jasmine goes all Ms. Hyde and just starts bad-mouthing everybody in the dang werk room, except for herself and Kennedy.
Damn, where’d this bitter bitch come from? What happened to shitting out happiness? And sorry Jasmine, but horse-faced? Those with horse-faced faces, shouldn’t throw, er… saddles? I’ll work on that analogy later.
Damn, this is some real venom coming from Jasmine. I mean, I love a shady queen, but there should be some FUN when you throw shade. This just seems like some misdirected hate, because as far as I know, these queens haven’t really done anything to piss Jasmine off. Maybe I’m missing something from Untucked? Did they all gang up on her and tell her she looks like Arsenio Hall?
The next morning in the werkroom, JDF is complaining about her feet hurting. Jasmine says, “Girl you gotta pop them corns so that the kids can eat ’em.”
OMFG, the new non-offensive Shemail says: “She done already done had herses”! I have that on a t-shirt and the looks on people’s faces when they read that and try to figure out what the fuck it means, is worth more than gold.
Ru comes in on a hoveround and I am DYING.
Although I think they ought to have tricked her hoveround out a bit more. I mean it’s RuPaul, she shouldn’t get just ANY old hoveround.
I love how genuinely concerned Max looks when Ru starts talking about a queen’s Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent getting old and dry and dusty.
For the mini-challenge today, the girls need to make themselves up in old lady drag, and then dance in a Soul Train line. I LIVE for Soul Train. Seriously, if you are young children, and have never seen Soul Train before, get thee to YouTube and look up some Soul Train videos from the 70s. The fashions, the dances, it is a thing of fucking beauty.
Ru is KILLING me with the hoveround gags. I think she ought to use this thing forever from now on.
Our queens get their elderly groove on.
Mrs. Kasha Davis motorboats Miles Davis Moody’s package with her titties, and really, who can blame her?
I literally cannot compete with the jokes for this mini-challenge.
“Girl, your pussy is on once-a-month Boniva!”
“Ooh yeah! Drop it like it’s icy hot!”
“She’s fallen! And she can’t get up! But she sure can get down!”
“No teeth, all shade!”
I’m with Ru though, where the hell did Jasmine get a loaf of bread?
Aww, that was a fun challenge. Yay for Soul Train lines!
And yay for gratuitous package closeups!
Max and Kennedy are declared the winners, and the girls find out about the main challenge. They will be acting in two recreations of some Shakespeare classics. Romy & Juliet, and Macbitch. Ha. Macbitch, that’s a good one. What other Shakesqueer plays could they have done? Othel’ Ho? A Midsummer Night’s Queen? Much Ado About Humping?
Max and Kennedy pick teams, and Sour Grapes is picked last again. Is this girl ever going to get a clue? I’m going to try to let you down gently girl. They can’t fucking stand you.
Pearl has no idea what Macbeth is. Really Pearl? Really? Don’t they still make kids read this shit in High School? I had to read this shit in High School. Oh you youth with your Twilight, and your Hunger Games, and your… Facebook status updates and Instagram.
Initially they’re going to have Sour Grapes be the bitchy Lady Macbitch, and have Jasmine play the ghetto girl, but then Kennedy rethinks and has them go outside of their comfort zones. Because that always works. Foreshadowing!
Max’s team has Romy and Juliet. Max is kind of adorable trying to be authoritative with her team.
And Trixie does this, so let’s just enjoy it shall we?
Kennedy tries to instruct Jasmine how to be more bitchy, and Sour Grapes how to be more ghetto, and it is painful. This… this was maybe a bad idea.
After they’ve spent a lot of time reading through the script, they make Sour Grapes and Jasmine switch roles completely. Oh lordy, this does not bode well for team Kennedy.
Team Max goes to film their production of Romy & Juliet. Everyone seems to be doing pretty well, but then JDF has some sort of a panic attack and breaks down.
You know, I’m honestly surprised that this doesn’t happen more often, because everything I’ve heard about the filming of this show says that it’s super stressful and grueling. These bitches are only human. Max gives JDF some words of encouragement and it’s actually very sweet, and JDF manages to pull it together.
Next is team Kennedy with Macbitch, and Pearl belts out her opening narration in a Barry White voice and Ru and Michelle are all…
I think Pearl is trying to be funny, but not really managing it.
Oh dear, everyone is kind of terrible, but Jasmine is beyond terrible. She only has what, two lines? Girl cannot deliver. She’s like Dominoes.
Then Pearl walks into a bush.
Ru and Michelle are reeling from the awfulness of it all and it’s hilarious. I can’t wait to see this train wreck when it’s finally edited together.
The next morning Pearl is moaning about how yesterday was the worst day of her life. Good for Pearl, if the worst day of her life legitimately was the day that she had to perform drag Shakespeare in front of RuPaul, then that’s a charmed life indeed. I wonder what the second worst day of her life was? Maybe that day the school cafeteria ran out of chocolate milk? I remember that day. It was awful.
Jasmine knows that she was crap at the challenge, but she’s hoping that her runway gown is going to save her ass. She goes on about how it’s going to be THE best gown to have ever walked down the runway on Drag Race. I’ll believe that when I see it.
The girls have divided themselves into some cliques along age-lines. Honestly, this shit pisses me off a little bit. Kennedy, Jasmine, and to a lesser extent, Ginger and Mrs Kasha are bad-mouthing the younger queens, saying they’ve never been through anything, blah blah blah, and I think it’s kind of bullshit. Just because someone is young, doesn’t mean that they’ve not been through anything in their life. I mean, I get that in a general sense, younger gay men today do not have to go through the same hardships that they would have encountered 15-25 years ago, but that really depends on where people are from, and what their environment was like growing up. We still have LGBT kids killing themselves left and right because of bullying and a lack of acceptance from their own families. So don’t go off on the gay youth of today for not having to go through everything. I mean Miss Fame had to deal with a drug addict mother and a grandfather who was murdered. You’re really going to tell me she hasn’t been through anything in her life? Don’t go judging people until you’ve walked a mile in their heels bitch, ‘kay? Ok, getting off my sequinsed soapbox now.
Also, this half-painted look of Jasmine’s is freaking me right the fuck out.
Ru looks fantastic in this get-up. I don’t know what to call this though, so I’ll just call it flawless.
I always thought that Mel B was the cutest member of the Spice Girls.
The girls hit the runway in their bearded eleganza.
Max looks fantastic in this lion tameresque number with her kooky white beard. Way to turn it out Max.
As always, Ginger is polished and gorgeous, now she’s just added hirsute to the mix.
I am LOVING Trixie Mattel because the whole look is really built up around the beard, rather than just wearing a pretty dress and then slapping on a beard. The mythological feel of it is so different from her cartoonie looks we’ve seen before. I really think that Trixie is one to watch out for.
Mrs. Kasha Davis. Meh. I’m still reeling from Trixie.
JDF looks great, but it’s just a nice look with a beard slapped on as an afterthought.
Miss Fame’s look is a bit of a clunker for me. It’s probably just a personal preference, because I can’t really pinpoint WHY I don’t care for it, but I’m not really feeling this look.
Kennedy’s dress is nice enough, but it’s just a dress, and again the beard is an afterthought. Also, her beard looks like it’s made of pubes.
Katya is working sexy Abe Lincoln like you wouldn’t believe. Did she get that at Girl’s Costume Warehouse?
I’m eating my words a bit, because Jasmine’s dress really IS jaw-droppingly gorgeous. The beard that’s painted on Groucho Marx-style though? Meh.
Pearl is working some sort of devil inspired number, and her funky red beard is very cool.
Kandy Ho’ is very, very dark, and this is a whole different aesthetic for her. It’s kind of interesting, but I don’t really get the hairy box. Some of us have that problem.
Sour Grapes does the bearded lady turns sweet sixteen. It’s adorable, but not particularly inspiring or original.
First up of the productions is Romy & Juliet. Everyone’s doing rather well, and Ginger and Max are particularly funny together.
Back-rolls! Ha! I’ll never get over Alyssa Edwards freaking out over back-rolls. The death scene is funny too, “Status-update, dead.”
JDF is so distressed by Romy’s granny panties, that she has to pat the hell out of her weave.
I also love Mrs. Kasha’s dead-pan. “Teen suicide. Don’t do it.”
MacBitch is up next, and oh lord. It is just stilted, and awkward and these girls are almost ALL terrible. Pearl takes forever to pop up out of this window and I’m rolling.
The only people who do a good job are Katya who unfortunately had a very small part, and Kandy Ho’ who we also barely saw.
Everyone else was just terrible.
Michelle gives a wonderful slow clap when the clip is over. And there’s this wonderful “blink and you’ll miss it” stank face from Jasmine.
Ru’s right, this is probably the worst production the queens have ever done on Drag Race. EVER.
Also, how the FUCK is this a parody of Macbeth? I mean, it’s been ages since I’ve read Macbeth, but I’m pretty sure I remember it being nothing like this. Where is Lady Macbeth? Why is she not coming out yelling, “Out damn twat!”?
Max’s team wins of course, and Max is rightfully named the winner.
Yay! I’m rather starting to like Max.
That means everyone from Kennedy’s team is up for elimination. Oh dear. It would have been kind of hilarious if they’d made the whole team lip synch together all at once. They call out Kennedy’s pube-beard, which I’m grateful for, because that is one bad beard. It reminds me of Beavis and Butthead when they decided to try and “grow” beards by gluing hair on their faces.
Of course they rip into Jasmine for being terrible and she’s ultra defensive, both about her Groucho Marx beard, and her awful performance.
She kind of reminds me of that sad clown.
“I knew my lines, but they just weren’t coming out the way they should have.” Ru is having none of it.
Pearl’s look gets praise, but her performance gets flack. Honestly, I think Pearl was trying to be funny with her dead-pan lifeless performance, but I don’t think she exaggerated it enough to make it work.
Ru pointing out the irony of Kandy Ho’ not contouring a beard on her face for the beard challenge, is everything.
Everyone loves Sour Grapes’ look, but she sucked as Lady Macbitch. Of course she gets defensive and tries to blame it all on Kennedy for being a crap leader. Sour Grapes has a point, but Ru is FURIOUS about all the excuses and back-pedaling and bullshit. She’s had it.
Unsurprisingly, Kennedy and Jasmine are the two queens picked to lip synch for their lives. Kennedy certainly deserves to be in the bottom for her mismanagement as team leader, and Jasmine was clearly the worst in the challenge. Sorry Jasmine, but no gown, no matter how sickening, is going to save you from that performance.
The lip synch is pretty fantastic.
Both of these girls are feeling the song, and they are both clearly good performers.
However, I think Kennedy does just a smidge better than Jasmine, and I’m not too surprised when she is told to shantay and stay.
Goodbye Jasmine, I’ll admit, I’m not torn up about her leaving after some of the stank attitude we saw this episode. Girl’s gotta calm down, take a break, eat a cookie.
Until next week drag-nuts!