RuPaul’s Drag Race Season Seven Episode One: Born Naked

They’re back bitches! And so am I! Fashionably late… ok more like really fucking late, but back nonetheless! A whole new crop of freshly harvested queens for us to love, cuddle, and tear to pieces. Have you missed this as much as I have?

Hello werk room! The first queen to arrive on scene is… Vivavious, in her Sonic the Hedgehog outfit?

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Oh no wait, that’s Ms. Fame. Bitch? Spikey outfits are SO last season.

Ginger Minj is next on scene, serving freshly-squeezed Tropicana realness.

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Hello Jaidynn Diore Fierce, you with your damn long-ass name.

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I think I’m going to call her JDF, just to keep things simple. Plus, it sounds so presidential. She looks like Rainbow Brite’s black sheep ho sister. Why it gotta be a black sheep?

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Violet Chaki is… purpley. I’d swear she reminds me of someone from Strawberry Shortcake. Hold on, let me Google that… Sour Grapes! Ha! I’m so going to call her Sour Grapes for the rest of this show.

sourgrapesOk so they don’t really look anything alike, but… whatever. They’re both purple.

Max is a tall, gawky, geek of a drag queen, and I can’t decide whether I love her, or whether she’s going to be this season’s Laganja Estranja.

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Don’t worry Max, I won’t judge you, not just yet. Max is from Wisconsin and Ginger Minj makes a comment that is lost on me about her being the Queen of England. What am I missing here? Wouldn’t Wisconsin be the Queen of Cheese?

Katya! Yay!

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My bitch from Boston, representing! I have to root for the home girl. Plus, Katya makes faces like this:

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She is serving frosty Cold War realness. Vladimir Putin? More like Vladimir Put-it-in-me!

Hot damn. It’s Jasmine Masters and she is serving me Arsenio Hall.

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Probably the less said about that the better. Sorry Jasmine. Sour Grapes give Jasmine some stank face for calling Atlanta “Hotlanta”. Get over yourself queen.

Poodle skirt alert!

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It’s Mrs. Kasha Davis, looking like she’s ready to knock everybody’s socks off at the sock hop. Or do some titty fucking apparently. She compares racks with JDF, and Sour Grapes chimes in with, “I’m jealous, I don’t have any fat to push together.” Damn girl.

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My thoughts exactly Mrs. Davis.

Someone turn on some lights, there’s too much shade in the werkroom already. I am counting the minutes until one of the older queens puts this uppity youngster in her place.

Trixie Mattel, ha! She’s a messy riot, and I think I love huh.

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It is crazy how different she looks out of drag.

Is the circus in town? Because I see the bearded lady.

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Oh wait, that’s Kandy Ho’. What the fuck Kandy Ho’? I’m feeling righteous indignation about the tragedy that is her contouring. That just should not happen. Ever.

Pearl comes in and… I’m honestly not sure what to make of her.

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She’s adorable out of drag, and certainly has good face and figure while in drag. I need to study this one in the wild a la David Attenborough before I can understand her.

Kennedy Davenport (any relation to Sahara?) comes in all gold lame zebra skin and towering hair.

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For some reason, this causes Jasmine Masters to orgasm right on the spot.

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Apparently, she is a HUGE fan. Oh no, it’s Courtney Act and Joslyn Fox all over again!

Oh dear, it’s Sasha Belle.

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She seems like a lovely girl, but this is some sloppy and unimpressive drag for a first impression entrance. She’s a Drag Race super-fan apparently, and thinks that her obsession with the show will help her to win. Girl, I’m obsessed with the show too, but you don’t see me trying to win it. Here’s a pointer, spend some more time learning how to contour, instead of watching damned Drag Race marathons.

Tempest DuJour arrives and gives birth.

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Mazel tov! Normally I’m not one for gimmicks, but I will say it’s a Drag Race first. We had pregnant queens, but no one actually went into labor and delivered. Also, Mrs. Kasha Davis’s face is great.

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Tempest is quite a bit older than the other queens, and Kandy Ho’ immediately brings it up, pretty much without even saying, “Hello.” I wonder if Kandy has any idea how old RuPaul is? You don’t ever hear the queens bitching that Ru is too old to be doing drag. More importantly, Tempest might be older than you Kandy, but at least she had the sense to not paint a FUCKING BEARD on her face.

The first, “Hello, hello, hello!” of the season! Oh Ru, how I’ve missed you.

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Ru is trying to switch things up this season, the first mini-challenge isn’t a photo-shoot with Mike Ruiz. Awww. I always loved the banter between him and Ru. Instead, the girls have to put on a fashion show and model two looks. Too bad, I always liked the photo-shoot challenge, and all the different ways they found to torture the girls. They’d already done water, and air, I was hoping they might run with Raven’s suggestion to set the girls on fire this season.

Wait, new regular judges? No Santino? No Michelle Visage? WHAT? Say it ain’t so? I mean, Santino, whatever, but Michelle Visage? She’s like the big-titted guardian angel of Drag Race. Carson Kressley and Ross Mathews might be fun, but seriously, no Michelle? It just doesn’t seem right.

s7ep01_22Oh phew, there’s Michelle now. Don’t DO that to me Ru!

First up, it’s the girls’ spring looks.

Ginger Minj’s spring look is a magenta sequinsed dress. She looks pretty darling.

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Kandy Ho’s outfit is pretty gorgeous, but that fucking BEARD girl?

s7ep01_23How the fuck is she not seeing that in the mirror?

Max, is just… awkward but she sort of works it. I’m not sure what to do with this one.

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Hey is that Alaska sitting by Carson Kressley? “Hiiiieeeeeeee!”

JDF can work the runway, but how the fuck is this a spring fashion?

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If Janet Jackson ever decided to simultaneously binge on donuts, and become a professional figure skater, this is what would happen.

Katya looks like one of those old 3D images from the 90s where you unfocus your eyes and can see the pyramids or some shit.

s7ep01_26I don’t know about the pyramids, but I can definitely see part of a camel.

Mrs. Kasha Davis is nicely put together. She seems like a pretty polished queen.

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Trixie Mattel is wearing a cute sort of mod-style dress, but I’m not digging the head thing she’s paired it with.

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Pearl…. I do not know what to do with this queen.

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Is she trying to be funny with a very dry sense of humor, or is she really trying to be a bitch? Help me here Pearl, I WANT TO UNDERSTAND YOU!

Oh dear.

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This look. This is not a good look.

Ok, I have to give Miss Fame props, because this is gorgeous.

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I don’t much care for the scarf around her head, but that dress is flawless.

Jasmine Masters really likes showing off her six pack.

s7ep01_32“Stop relying on that body!”

I don’t know what the fuck Sour Grapes is wearing.

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It’s like Alice in Wonderland inspired fetish-wear.

Oprah!

s7ep01_34Oh wait, no. It’s Kennedy Davenport.

Oh Kasha Davis.

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It’s just unpolished and underwhelming. I know that you want this girl, but I don’t think you’re going to get it.

Christ, I’m only fifteen minutes into this damn thing, and I’ve already had to do about a million screencaps. And we still haven’t even seen the fall looks!

Ginger Minj looks FANTASTIC in this lime & giraffe print number.

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I’ve been fairly impressed with her looks so far.

Beard.

s7ep01_37BEARD BEARD BEARD BEARD.

Max actually pulls off a fairly high fashion looking number with minimal awkwardness.

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I am intrigued.

JDF really likes her a bodysuits doesn’t she?

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She can certainly work it. She calls herself, “The other, other, other Tyra.” Wait, what? She does realize that her name isn’t actually Tyra, doesn’t she?

Katya is covered in dead things, like any good drag queen should be.

s7ep01_40Don’t ask me what that means, because I don’t even know at this point.
This blog is already later than the town ho after spring break, so quality control is going out the window.

Mrs. Kasha Davis looks nice and classy, but this look doesn’t WOW me.

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Michelle Visage steals my joke when she says that Trixie Mattel is wearing a sequinsed dress.

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Get out of my brain Michelle! There is no room for your boobs in here!

Pearl again, my enigma, now she’s wearing headphones and ignoring everyone.

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I’m having flashbacks to high school. Although she probably isn’t listening to old Duran Duran albums. Don’t judge me.

Tempest DuJour is wearing a black tent and it’s really something.

s7ep01_44Something awful.

Miss Fame impresses again. She certainly is a fashion girl.

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These looks make me wonder why the fuck she chose to dress like Sonic the Hedgehog when she entered the werkroom.

Jasmine is wearing some big-ass purple trench coat.

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There’s really not much more you can say about that.

I grudgingly have to admit that Sour Grapes gets the win for best reveal and outfit of the runway. Her little sparkly jumpsuit that tears away to reveal a tartan number underneath, is just gorgeous.

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I still want to pinch her though, just a little. In the face.

Kennedy has decided to dress like a shamrock shake.

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I think Sasha Belle must have spent all her extra cash on this dragon outfit.

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At least I think she’s supposed to look like a dragon, even though everyone keeps calling her a lobster. Bitch I am from Massachusetts. This doesn’t look like any goddamn lobster I’ve ever eaten.

The girls de-drag and the Pit Crew comes in swinging. Literally.

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What I gotta do to get this shit uncensored?

And hey, what happened to Shawn, one of the two original full-time Pit Crew members?

Apparently the final challenge is going to consist of the queens being naked. All that’s missing is the record-scratch sound effect. Naked queens? Really? I am puzzled over how that’s going to work. No one wants to get naked, except for the two super skinny bitches.

We learn that Tempest used to weigh just under 400lbs.

s7ep01_51Damn, that’s some impressive weight-loss girl.

This challenge is right “on” Kandy Ho’s alley. Maybe that’s what she calls her asshole.

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She is this season’s non-sewing queen. What the fuck queens? Take a damn class!

Jasmine gives Ru a science lesson about the metamorphosis of butterflies.

s7ep01_53I want to see Jasmine teach this to an entire class of eight year-olds.

Katya is worried because she has the body of a 55 year old Irish rock climber, which is very specific.

Ru comes out in her own nude illusion.

s7ep01_54Exposed titties never looked so glamorous.

Runway!

Katya is wearing a lovely red number with fringe, and little else.

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Apparently, Katya’s life philosophy is, “When in doubt, show ’em your asshole.” That’s right up there with the golden rule.

assholeMaybe we can call this the brown rule?

Mrs. Kasha Davis is next in a big kaftan and she tosses it aside to reveal… a nude body stocking?

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So apparently the queens didn’t REALLY have to get naked. Bizarrely, they are fuzzing out the fake boobs, butt-cracks and foofs that have been airbrushed onto the bodysuits. Really? Even fake nudity is too much in this country? AMURICAH! I’m hoping they’re just doing it to be humorously ironic.

Sasha Belle looks a mess, and she is still wearing a leotard with visible bra straps.

s7ep01_58Nude illusion? More like a DUDE illusion.

Miss Fame looks lovely, but she’s also opted for the body stocking which surprises me.

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With a figure like her’s, I’d figure (see what I did there?) that she’d be all over the nudity.

Kennedy Davenport comes out in a gold kaftan, and I am yawning, but the outfit she made underneath is actually pretty impressive.

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Oh dear, Tempest DuJour’s titties are lopsided, and she’s got crabs.

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I’m certainly not one for high-brow humor, but even that made ME wince a bit. The queens must have been taxed with painting their own body stockings, and Tempest’s is looking pretty rough.

Trixie Mattel painted her body stocking to mimic the look of a Barbie doll with hinges and joints which I think was a clever take on the challenge.

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I think I’m digging Trixie.

Pearl is giving me so much face.

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Girl should be a fashion model. Pearl went nude on top, but kept a pair of panties on, which feels half-assed to me. Or half-covered-ass.

Max is using crutches on the runway. I just…

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I am perplexed by this. I really am not sure what Max is going for. I don’t know whether I’m uncomfortable, or aroused. Or uncomfortably aroused.

Ginger Minj looks adorable, and I love all the pearl necklace quips that her outfit generates.

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I don’t think that Jasmin Masters’ butterfly concept really worked out the way she was intending. She’s essentially just wearing some tassles over her body stocking.

s7ep01_66Yawn.

I’m surprised that Jasmine didn’t opt to go naked with the body she has.

Kandy Ho’ may have done the best job of painting her body stocking and padding herself so that she does give a fairly convincing illusion of nudity.

s7ep01_67She remembered to shave her snatch, but unfortunately, she forgot to shave her beard.

JDF is adorable, but she didn’t even bother to paint fake tits, or an ass-crack on her body stocking.

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She’s shocked about her missing nipples!

Sour Grapes looks pretty. She drops her outwear and goes completely naked.

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I kind of want to take her out for a burger, but she is loving herself.

Ginger Minge, JDF, Pearl, Mrs. Kasha Davis, Katya, Max and Trixie Mattel are all deemed safe and are told to cover up their bare-asses.

Sasha Belle says she was, “confused by the assignment” when asked why she showed an undergarment when they were supposed to do a “nude illusion”.

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Why do I get the feeling that Sasha might have been in some remedial classes in high school? I mean really, how many different ways are there to interpret “nude illusion”?

They loved Kennedy’s runway and her looks from the mini-maxi-challenge. They are not such a fan of Tempest DuJour.

Jasmine is shitting out happiness. Let’s just try not to think about that too much.

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I feel bad for whoever has to clean the stage though.

Ha! Michelle calls out Kandy Ho’s beard. Thank you Michelle!

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Michelle doesn’t like Sour Grapes’ full-naked look because she thinks that she looks too much like a boy. Kathy Griffin loves it though, and Michelle gives her the stink-eye.

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Oh Michelle, don’t ever change!

RuPaul asks the girls who they think seems the weakest. At this early stage in the competition, who really cares? I think it’s going to come down to Tempest Dujour and Sasha Belle in the bottom two.

Sour Grapes is the winner of the challenge!

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As much as her attitude rubs me the wrong way so far, I can’t really disagree with this. I’m surprised at her amount of polish at such a young age. Michelle ain’t happy though.

Tempest DuJour and Kandy Ho’ are in the bottom two, and I’m surprised to see Kandy Ho’ there. Beard or no, I think she did much better than Sasha on the runway.

The bottom two lip-synch to RuPaul’s Geronimo, and it’s just no contest really.

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Kandy is completely out-doing Tempest DuJour. Unsurprisingly, Kandy is told to shantay, and she stays. I’m a little bummed that Tempest is going home so soon. Go home and hug those kids Tempest!

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And how fucking adorable are these little RuPaul trophies? WANT!

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12 thoughts on “RuPaul’s Drag Race Season Seven Episode One: Born Naked

  1. kedavis99 March 12, 2015 / 4:51 pm

    If you haven’t yet you have to go watch the show again on the logo site with the Bianca and Alaska commentary, it was to die for. Kennedy is Sahara’s drag sister, and apparently Mrs. Kasha Davis is in the same family as Pandora and Darienne Lake. I’m in love with Miss Minj, kinda like kooky Trixie and out of drag boy Trixie reminds me of a queen from an earlier season, I want to say Indya Ferrah but I could be wrong. Pearl needs to let loose some personality. Violet has the looks but needs to tone down the shade a bit. That Beard oh that Beard, once I saw it I couldn’t unsee it, and it’s worse than any beard anyone ever clocked Willam for. Thank the heavens the ladies of color all seem to be able to contour without yellow (a la Latrice my all time fave queen) or orange (a la Miss Coco Dorito face 🙂 Overall I was really underwhelmed by this season opener. TG the second episode was even better.

    • fanrosa March 12, 2015 / 7:14 pm

      Yep, India Ferrah. When they showed boy Trixie for the first time, I was trying to figure out if India Ferrah had taken on a new drag name and drag look in order to get a second shot.

      • kedavis99 March 12, 2015 / 8:40 pm

        Glad I’m not the only one that had that thought 🙂

  2. Phanessa March 12, 2015 / 6:40 pm

    “Ginger Minj makes a comment that is lost on me about her being the Queen of England. What am I missing here? Wouldn’t Wisconsin be the Queen of Cheese?”

    I think Ginger was speaking of Max’s sometimes British accent–it comes and goes….

  3. fanrosa March 12, 2015 / 7:19 pm

    I don’t like that they blurred the runway because you couldn’t really judge what they looked like. Untucked did away with the pixels and you could see how good (or bad) their illusion was.

    I think Mrs. Kasha Davis won the realism award, with Ginger Minj the runner up. You could tell they were wearing body stockings, but they looked like they were completely sheer and they were naked underneath.

    I also think the pixellating covered up how clever Trixie’s Barbie doll concept was.

    • hannahmiarazor March 20, 2015 / 2:42 am

      I really need to find some time to watch Untucked!

  4. GatoCanalla March 12, 2015 / 7:45 pm

    Finally! We miss you so much!

    • hannahmiarazor March 20, 2015 / 2:42 am

      Aww, I missed all of you too my lovely drag-nuts!

  5. Haandbaag March 12, 2015 / 9:47 pm

    Horray! So happy to read your recap. One of the best out there. Gurl, I will spread the word. Can’t wait for your rundown on episode two. Thanks for the endless giggles.

  6. MelanieSuzanne March 19, 2015 / 8:10 pm

    I just found out about your Ru-caps and have fallen in love with you at first read!

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