They’re back my darling dragnuts! And All Tea No Shave is back with an all new look! What do you think my darlings? It’s been ages, but there is finally a new batch of queens for us to love, hate, tear apart and do all the things that good dragraceaholics ought to do. Oh how I missed this. Did y’all miss me? All Tea No Shave is back hunties, and it’s going to be bitchier and hairier than ever. I can hardly wait!
It all starts off… sometime next year? Someone throw me a bone here, my Google-fu sucks and I could NOT find the premiere date! For now, we’ll have to content ourselves with the Meet the Queens videos, where we get our first tantalizing glimpses of the queens. Consider it your Drag Race amuse bouche. It just makes you hungry for more queens.
You know who isn’t very hungry?
The lovely Ms. Ginger Minj, because she’s EATEN ALL OF THE OTHER QUEENS! Ha! Glad to know that my inner bitch is still fully functional. Seriously, I kid. Ms. Ginger Minj claims she’s a cross-dresser for Christ, which seems fairly appropriate. I’ve seen those disciples with their colorful robes and their long hair. Could Jesus Christ have been the world’s first drag queen? You heard it here first hunties. Ms. Minj seems cute enough, but her personality is a bit understated for me. I like my queens to turn their bitch up to eleven, but with a name like Ginger Minj, I have to love her a little bit. Also, her first celebrity crush was literal fox Robin Hood from the Disney cartoon, and I’m all, “OMG! I’m not the only one!”
Next is Ms. Jaidynn Diore Fierce.
Can we talk about that name for a minute? What the serious fuck with all the goddamn Jaydens, Jaidens, Jaidynns and Jadens all over the fucking place? Just STOP it already people! And that means you too Ms. Diore Fierce! Moving on though, I kind of love her. She’s is working the fuck out of that Carrot Top hair, and I love me a bitch who can work an afro paired with a stonewashed jean jacket. She is another big queen, so it looks like we’ve got more than just the token ONE big girl this season. I’m all for that, the big girls have been some of my favorites, and I still hope we’ll get to see one bring home the drag race crown. Will it be Ms. Diore Fierce? Well, when asked if she would rather be eaten by a shark or mauled by a lion, she says she would probably just eat both of them, I think there’s a good chance Ms. Diore Fierce will be the only queen left standing after she EATS THEM ALL. Damn RuPaul, making me use that joke twice. There better not be any more big queens this season! I HAVE NO MORE MATERIAL!
Would somebody please give Ms. Jasmine Masters a Ricola or something? Because I don’t think I can take a whole season of this voice. Holy fuck, someone sign this bitch up to be in one of those “Stop Smoking” campaign commercials. She seems sweet enough, but she’s kinda snoresville. Her spirit animal is a snake, but I am disappointed when this revelation leads to ZERO dick jokes. I mean c’mon, give me something to work with here. Sorry Ms. Masters, but I’m pegging you for an early elimination.
Puerto Rico’s in the house!
It’s Ms. Kandy Ho’! Now some of my most-loved queens have come from Puerto Rico: Nina Flowers, Jessica Wild, Yara Sophia, but Ms. Ho’? I’m sorry, she is no Nina Flowers. She’s working some sort of trailer trash drag with her denim mini skirt and acres of dark roots, but maybe that’s just her “thing”, looking like the sort of queen who would give you a quick handy at the truck stop? Tacky, trashy Drag Ho’. Say that ten times fast. Nobody loves an admitted ho more than I do, but I don’t think Ms. Ho’ is going to last very long in this competition. Maybe she’ll have time to get her roots touched up, and give out a few handies?
But enough about Ms.Ho’, there’s a new hot mess in town.
It’s Ms. Katya, and she is from Boston, so therefore, I HAVE to love her! Local girl! Her first drag gig was in the basement of a Denny’s in Worcester, and it doesn’t get anymore amazing than that. She is a character, and I love me a character queen. She reminds me a bit of Willam, and that is not a bad thing for me. I flove Willam. Her first celebrity crush was Jean Claude Van Damme. I’ll be she wants him to do countertop splits for her. Dated references y’all!
Ms. Kennedy Davenport is next, and holy shit is this queen boring.
I hate to besmirch the name of Davenport when we’re all still smarting from the tragic loss of the lovely Ms. Sahara Davenport, but really queen, give me something to work with here. Ms. Davenport is the drag equivalent of watching paint dry, and ain’t nobody got time for that. This bitch is cannon fodder.
Next is a “quirky” queen named Max.
And by “quirky” I mean, trying too fucking hard. Now I’m all for the quirky queens, but Ms. Max is lacking that certain je ne sais quois. She claims to be from Oz, and I guarantee you, she thought that would get a big laugh. C’mon Max, you’re a drag queen, you’ve got to go bigger than that. Say that you came from Glinda, the Good Witch of the North’s vagina. Feel free to steal that for the future. I did like her “most outrageous look”, but in general, I’m unimpressed. Frankly, I think she needs to cook for a little while longer, and hone some of those drag skills. Get back to the witch’s vagina from whence you came Max.
Miss Fame is… interesting.
She seems clueless, but it could be a part of an act. I’m not sure what to make of her just yet. She could prove to be a bore, or she could be hilarious in her talking heads. She grew up on a chicken farm, but neglects to quip about how much time she spent choking her chicken, which disappoints me. Still, I’m holding out there might be some “big cock” jokes down the line.
Next we have Mrs. Kasha Davis.
MRS. What the fuck queens? Why all the honorifics? I’m going to start insisting that everyone call me Ms. Muther-Fucking Hannah Mia Razor, if y’all keep this up. MRS. Davis is pretty danged hilarious though. I fully plan on embracing her tip about wearing Depends. She claims that her spirit animal is the chipmunk because she murders them for swimming in her pool. Somehow that makes sense? In spite of her chipmunkicidal ways, I kind of love her. Weirdly enough though, Mrs. Davis looks like one of my ex-boyfriends, done up in drag. I’m pretty sure it’s not him though, but I’ll be slightly anxious about that, until we see these queens revealed out of drag.
And we have Ms. Pearl.
Pearl is… well… she’s creative? Apparently? She tells us she’s creative, so of course she MUST be. Ack. I think I sprained my eyes from rolling them. Please give me a moment… She looks and sounds like a teenage boy who is completely over it and decided to raid his grandmother’s wardrobe and put together a look that was going to piss of his high school principal. Busted wig, giant triangular gold earrings, a horrendous lace blouse, and a BabySoft (remember that shit?) pink colored blazer. Her celebrity inspiration is a monster with tits like Cuban missiles and lips like an anaphylactic reaction. I am afraid, and I think I am going to get tired of this bitch very quickly.
Ms. Sasha Belle is from Iowa.
They have drag queens in Iowa? I learned something today. She tried out for Drag Race five times before finally being accepted. That makes me worry, but it also took Alaska forever to get on the show, and that bitch cannot be on my television ENOUGH. Still, Alaska was funny in her Meet the Queens video, this queen? Not so much. Seriously, she seems sweet enough, and I’m sure she’s a lovely person, but I’m paying more attention to the fact that her chair won’t stop fucking creaking than I am to what she’s saying. I mean, c’mon production people, you couldn’t get these bitches a chair that didn’t fucking squeak?
Enter the theater queen, Ms. Tempest DuJour.
She looks like a Tim Burton movie come to life, which I suppose could be a good thing or a bad thing. You know this bitch is going to drive people up the wall talking about her CAREER in the THEATER all the time. At least she’s somewhat amusing though, which is more than I can say for some of these other queens. Her first celebrity crush also was apparently Bernadette Peters, which makes me wonder if Ms. DuJour is going to be Drag Race’s first straight queen. Probably not though, since she picks a rhinoceros for her spirit animal, because it has a “big horn”. Still, what gay man in the theater HASN’T had a crush on Bernadette Peters?
Shit, I almost missed the last two queens. That would have been a hilarious way to start the season, completely forgetting to recap two of the new queens! I could have just ignored them for the rest of the season. WHAT? THEY DO NOT EXIST!
First of the lost queens is Ms. Trixie Mattel.
Her dad was a dick to her when she was growing up. Fuck you Trixie Mattel’s dad! Let’s hope he’s lightened up a bit since then. Ms. Mattel is also working those insane blue contact lenses that I wish all of the queens would just fucking get over already. I mean really, that blue-eyed blond-haired shit is SO World War II y’all. Don’t they remember that things didn’t work out so well for Hitler? Fuck, I think I just Godwinized myself. Feel free to ignore me from now on. I am INVALID! Ms. Mattel also appears to be using a loaf of Wonder Bread to create the illusion of breasts. That would be a great mini-challenge don’t you think? Take all the queens down to 7-11 and have them drag themselves out in whatever they can find? SOMEONE MAKE THIS HAPPEN? Anyway, I’m supposed to be talking about Ms. Mattel, she’s cute enough, and if the bitch can sew, she might make it far. I love that she cops to crushing on Zack from Saved by the Bell. Just as long as it isn’t Screech. I’m still trying to black-out the knowledge that he has a sex tape. I haven’t seen it, but just knowing it’s out there is enough to give me the heebie jeebies. I mean honestly, WHY did they ever release that? NO ONE wants to see Screech’s dick, probably not even Screech. You know he wears a blindfold whenever he masturbates.
That’s MORE than enough about Screech though. The last queen we meet is Ms. Violet Chachki.
Cute name, but again, I am kind of falling asleep while watching this queen. I just don’t get any real sense of who she is, or what kind of drag she does, or what she’s all about. You are on television Ms. Chachki, you need to ENTERTAIN me for fuck’s sake. Suffice to say, Joanie does not love Chachki.
That’s it? That’s all we have? The creme de la creme of drag queens (well those who haven’t already been on the show anyway), and THIS is what we get? There are a couple of good apples in the bunch, but most of these queens are just feeling flatter than Keira Knightley before she hit puberty. It’s a shame, because whoever put together these Meet the Queens videos did a good job with all the graphics and wrenching some humor from these lackluster queens, but this is what we’ve been waiting all year for? I remember being SO pumped for the show after last season’s “Meet the Queens” reveal, and this one just pales in comparison.
I’m also realizing there seems to be quite a lack of fish this season. I’ve never been one for the fishy queens, but normally there’s at least one or two in the bunch who are really serving it. I wonder what Ru is going for with the choices she made here because it’s a very motley crew from what I can tell. So many of the queens from last season were already very polished entertainers, and a lot of this bunch still seem like they could use a few more turns in the Drag rock-tumbler. Oh, now there’s an opening photo challenge for Mike Ruiz. Stick all these bitches into one of those funhouse Barrel’s of Fun and let them try to strike a pose. WHY DO I NOT WORK FOR THIS SHOW?
I’d be hard-pressed to pick a winner at this stage, but I’m thinking Ginger Minj, Jaidynn Diore Fierce, Katya, Mrs. Kasha Davis and Trixie Mattel will be the ones I’ll be keeping an eye on during the first episode. Five out of fourteen though? Seems a little lackluster. Maybe I’m just a picky bitch.
So there you have it! Our next queens! Who will have the tightest tuck? Who will cry because they don’t know how to sew? Who will all the other queens hate? Who will make you want to reach through your television sets so you can throttle them with their own lacefront wig? See you after the premiere dragnuts!