It’s finally here! Just a little over an hour before we find out who is America’s Next Drag Superstar!
We open up with Michelle Visage on the red carpet in LA and then we’re immediately hit with Laganja and one of her, “Ohrrrkay?” Did we really need to start off on THAT foot people?
We see a lot of queens from seasons past and they all look pretty sickening. Ms. Latrice Royale has FINALLY learned to not paint her face orange and she is rooting for Ms. Bianca Del Rio. That’s my girl.
Unsurprisingly Gia Gunn is pulling for the fishy Courtney Act. Alyssa Edwards is wondering how Gia finally got her eyelashes on straight.
Oh and who is that I see there on the far left? Is that you India Ferrah?
Oh and I thought you were all done with drag? For those who don’t know, two years ago India made a big-to-do post on Facebook about how she was quitting drag for good and it was all dramatic and ridiculous. Of course now she’s back. Man, I sure didn’t see THAT one coming.
Ha! We open the show with some adorable little twink playing a stagehand going back to RuPaul’s dressing room where he catches her shaving.
Oh RuPaul, you are too much.
We open up with an er… opening number, set to Sissy that Walk. The camera seems to be focusing on Bianca Del Rio a great deal. I’m just sayin’.
God I would totally cut a bitch to be at this Reunited taping. Who does one have to blow to make that happen? Just putting that out there.
They announce all the queens from this season one by one.
Aww Kelly Mantle, you were gone FAR too soon. If only you’d dressed Kosher.
Poor Magnolia Crawford, I think people are booing her. I mean I think she sucks too, but that is a little harsh. It’s not like she’s PhiPhi O’Hara. I am also a bit hypnotized by her “arthritic old lady” walk.
Vivacious gets an enormous cheer, people love this crazy bitch.
April is working a much different look than we ever saw her in on the show. It’s much more punk and actually reminds me a bit of Nina Flowers’ aesthetic.
Gia Gunn, looks gorgeous, but as always, it’s just tilapia.
Milk is done up in full glam and bitch looks FABULOUS!
Laganja looks good and seems to have calmed down a great deal now that she’s finally getting to smoke her weed.
Trinity looks sickening, what a doll.
Aww Joslyn Fox giving everyone a good old, “whonk whonk”. I am going to miss seeing these girls on my television.
The biggest cheer so far is for BenDeLaCreme who is just fabulous. Should have been top three. I’m just sayin’.
Darienne Lake gets a rather lukewarm reception.
Now it’s our top three bitches!
Adore gets cheers and looks pretty good in a sort of giraffe-style tutu. She mouths, “I love my body!” when she gets to the end of the catwalk.
The crowd positively ROARS for Bianca. Seriously, this bitch has to win or there will be riots in the streets. GAY RIOTS!
Courtney gets decent cheers, but people went nuts for Bianca.
Who else are we missing? Isn’t there someone else? Oh yes…
Mama Ru herself. She gets her own troop of backup dancers who make it rain.
And why the hell not?
Ru gives out some props to all the Drag Race alums who are in the audience. I see Victoria “Pork Chop” Parker, Jiggly Caliente, Shannel, Lineysha Sparks, Mariah, Raven, Morgan McMichaels, Ongina, so many damned queens.
Ru has all the girls gather around her so she can take a selfie. She’s so current that RuPaul.
Apparently the power of that selfie turned Twitter gay. It was already a little bi-curious anyway.
Kelly Mantle and Magnolia Crawford are first up for discussion since they were the first queens out.
I’m reminded of what an asshole Magnolia was, complaining about every damned thing. Ugh. I’m already tired of you again girl. Bitch claims she didn’t even watch the show! I am sorry that Ru ever wasted anyone’s time with this queen. Ru has had it, officially.
Vivacious and April Carrion are next. I hope someone asks if April fucked Adam Lambert because the people must know.
Vivacious claims that Ornacia is trying to emancipate herself these days. April had some pretty sickening looks that we never got to see because she was eliminated early. She says it’s ok that she was eliminated because she wasn’t meant to win this season, she’s meant to win All Stars 2. Keep dreaming there honey.
Ha! The backup dancers come out each outfitted with their own Ornacia.
That shit is fucking genius right there.
Gia Gunn and Milk are next. Polar opposites for sure those two. It’s too bad we didn’t get to see them paired together for a challenge.
Gia immediately busts out with an, “Absolutely…” ha! Milk is hilarious. She acts all surprised that everyone on and off the show wanted to fuck her when she was out of drag. She’s since quit her day job and Ru speculates if it’s because she’s now turning tricks. Milk’s a lady though, and a lady never tells.
Oh man, Laganja… blaaaaah can’t I just fast-forward through her? Oh but she’s paired with Trinity, I gotta see my girl Trinity. I had so much fun Photoshopping her.
Laganja keeps up with her ridiculous antics onstage and Michelle’s reaction to this is just PHENOMENAL.
Bitch just cannot take anymore of this.
Laganja’s drag mother Alyssa Edwards is in the audience and girl is not looking good. She always was a very pretty queen and I’m not sure what’s happened since the last season but girl is looking really rough.
This is neither cute, nor drop dead gorgeous.
Trinity gets a big cheer. Aww I loved Trinity, I wish she could have stayed around longer. Would LOVE to see her on all-stars. I am still amazed that she has reached this level of polish at the age of twenty-three. Girl is still a fucking baby and she TURNS it.
Trinity credits Bianca with getting her to come out of her shell and really start to shine in the competition. Aww. See, not only is Bianca an amazing queen, she makes OTHER queens amazing too! Give her that fucking crown already!
Ooh, a herstory lesson. We get to see a whole shit-ton of people who have done drag over the past decades for all different reasons: actors, comedians, artists, performers. Drag can be anything and everything and it is fierce and amazing.
Ok, now everyone is holding hands and singing a song that hilariously ends with, “Back rolls!” and Alyssa Edwards seems taken aback by that.
They’ve lumped Joslyn Fox, BenDeLaCreme and Darienne Lake together for the next bit.
Poor Joslyn really needs to pick her makeup colors better because her face is a full four shades darker than the rest of her body. Of course she ends with a, “whonk whonk”.
They use the DeLa/Darienne feud to lump their retrospectives together.
Bah, DeLa deserves better than that. People were mad ass hell when she was eliminated, and rightly so.
Ru asks Darienne what her problem was with DeLa and Darienne tries to brush it off by saying that, “It was just one of those things, I snapped, she snapped.” DeLa hilariously mouths, “I didn’t snap”, to the audience. They clearly seem to be over whatever it was though. DeLa gives her a Russian doll as a joke and Darienne apologizes to her for being a cunt. Darienne’s apology does seem a little fake to me though, but whatever. I think being a little bitchy is just Darienne’s thing.
Oh shit. Ru brings up Darienne’s shitty experiences with her family essentially kicking her out when she was a teenager and now there’s a video from Darienne’s mom suddenly playing up on the screen and Darienne gets all weepy.
The fuck? Is this really the time or the place for heavy shit like this? Darienne’s dad pulls out a pair of elephant tusk earrings and they try to make the moment funny, but it seems a little wrong and weird and her parents seem a bit too accepting out of the blue. Not sure what I think of that.
It’s the top three now bitches! Adore sings a bit about being in the top three, then Courtney sings a bit about being in the top three, then Bianca is all, “I can’t fuckin’ sing, but I’m in the mother-fuckin’ top three mother-fuckers!” There’s our winner people!
Seriously just give this bitch the crown already! Also is it just me or did Courtney’s singing kind of suck?
Ok this is weird. Apparently back before it aired, they brought Adore and Laganja together to prescreen the episode of Untucked where Laganja got all stupid and accusing Adore of being vaguely mean to her sometime that she can’t remember. Hilariously, Bianca and Courtney are both all, “Oh shit,” when they hear about that.
They show video of the two of them watching the scene and it is super intense. Then there are just tears and messiness.
I don’t want to see my queens like this y’all!
I guess they eventually got shit-faced and worked it out together though, so good for them? My that was pointless. They weren’t ever like, romantically linked were they? I don’t know, I just got a very weird, “more than just friends falling out” vibe from that. I think Magnolia Crawford did too.
Time for questions from the audience. Latrice comes up to read a fan-submitted question. Aww everyone loves Latrice. Show me someone who does NOT love Latrice and I will show you someone who is a big fucking asshole. Apparently someone wants to know if Adore has a crush on Bianca out of drag. Bianca’s reaction to this is hilarious.
Doesn’t EVERYONE have a crush on Bianca out of drag?
“If I’d had a crush on Bianca, I’d have tried to cop a feel and I didn’t so…” Latrice’s reaction to this just says it all.
Bianca retorts, “I can’t sleep with her because I only give to charity once a year!”
I am so fucking sad this show is almost over.
A question for Gia Gunn, “What was with that eyelash girl?” The question on everyone’s lips! Gia tries to blame it on her having “asian eyes”.
Oh my it’s Jiggly, “May I call you Jiggly?” Caliente.
Someone wrote in wanting Bianca to read them, but since they’re not present, guess who gets to be read? Oh this is going to be too easy. You may as well ask a Harvard scholar to read Dick and Jane. Bianca takes the easy route and reads Jiggly for her teeth. Jiggly had bad teeth back on season four but they look even worse now. Girl needs to make it rain so she can afford to go to the fucking dentist. And stop eating all those goddamned lollipops!
Joslyn’s fiance asks her to marry him right here and right now? WTF? What is up with the marriages this season?
I don’t think Joslyn is keen on this. Girl wanted to plan a wedding y’all! She seems happy enough though and makes an epically awkward blowjob face after she realizes that she’s married!
Also has Joslyn put on some weight since the show?
Man I’m a bitch, calling the bride fat on her wedding day.
Time to announce Ms. Congeniality again and yay! I get to hear Ru go, “Ivyyyyy Winterrrrrrs!” again! That never got old for me. Ivy comes out on stilts! Crazy circus queen! To keep her balance onstage she has to constantly keep moving, so she winds up looking like she’s doing the pee-pee dance. In stilts.
The winner is… BenDeLaCreme! Well at least she won something.
I’ll bet Joslyn feels robbed though. You just got married queen, you can’t have it all!
Now it’s time to go over the top three queens one by one… again. Fuck just bring out the crown already! We already know who these bitches are!
Adore says that Ru really changed her life during one of her pep-talks because she came into the show expecting that she would only make it to maybe the third episode. Adore wants to be a mainstream drag queen rock star and thinks she has what it takes to do that. Adore’s chola mom is there and it’s all very cute.
Bianca talks about how she decided to audition for the show and does a killer Lady Bunny impersonation. We hear about how sweet she is under her hard exterior. We even see her helping Laganja (LAGANJA!) with her makeup.
There’s a little girl in the audience who is Bianca’s goddaughter. Fuck, I want Bianca to be my god mother! How do I get that to happen? She recites a little poem and it’s adorable. Cute kid.
Courtney Act’s hair looks awful. Did she get hit in the head with a super soaker backstage?
The dress is pretty bad too, she looks like a knock-off Rainbow Brite. It’s kind of sad because the only person Courtney has there to support her is Chaz Bono? WTF is going on there? They couldn’t fly Courtney’s folks out to see her in LA?
FINALLY it’s time for the crowning. It’s time for Monsoon season to come to an end, how sad. Jinkx looks like the frickin’ Emerald City, and she’s been doing well for herself.
This crowning is always a little underwhelming because we know they record it three times with each queen and only reveal the “chosen” one until the final edit is put together.
America’s Next Drag Superstar is… Bianca Del Rio!
It really couldn’t have been anyone else but her. This is the best and most well-deserved winner of Drag Race ever.
Now I have to go online and watch their reactions when the winner was revealed! Aww it’s much nicer than last year when Alaska just broke down sobbing when Jinkx was revealed as the winner. There is a group hug, and it’s all very sweet.
So that’s it hunties! No more Drag Race until next season. I hope y’all have enjoyed reading my recaps as much as I enjoyed writing them.
This is Hannah Mia Razor, signing off until next season hunties!