One week until we find out who is America’s Next Drag Superstar. So you know what that means? Clip show! Also known as the “Let’s drag this shit out for one more week shall we?” episode. You know you still love it though.
Ru looks FLAWLESS as usual.
And the surprise for this clip show is that we’re going to get commentary from a whole slew of AMAZING queens from episodes past. We have Tammie Brown, Jujubee, Alaska, Manila Luzon, Raja, Jinkx Monsoon, Latrice Royale, Shangela and Raven!
I love that this kind of looks like the opening sequence from the Brady Bunch.
All of these bitches are among my favorite queens from this show! I feel like I hit triple cherries on a Drag Slut Machine! The only one I could maybe do without is Shangela. She’s always struck me as more of an actor who does drag than a real Drag Queen, but I’m still fond of her. Her makeup looks like shit today though, girl needs a new stylist or something.
Ru is still hounding people to vote #TeamAdore, #TeamBianca, or #TeamCourtney, like it wasn’t decided way back at the beginning of the show who would win. I’m just glad that Laganja is not in the running, “Ohrkay?”
This episode is going to be full of countdowns of all kinds of fun things, starting with Top 6 Catchiest Phrases. My vote is for, “Not today Satan. Not today.” also, “Party!”
#6 is, “Mother has arrived!” which is what Vivacious said when she finally remedied her zipper malfunction.
Oh Vivacious and Ornacia, we barely knew ye.
#5 is everything Joslyn said over the entire the show.
#4 is Gia Gunn’s, “Absolutely…” and Alaska’s impersonation of her is completely spot on.
Oh Alaska, I’ve missed you! Also the incomparable Sharon Needles is dressed as Michelle Visage AGAIN and she’s wearing a set of XXXL titties.
It’s really not that different from reality.
#3 is Bianca’s Rolodex of Hilarity.
This is number 3? Everything Ms. Bianca says should be #1 in my book. “Trinity reminds me of a good friend of mine from New Orleans. She’s dead.”
Ha! This queen is everything.
#2 is “Oh No She Betta’ Don’t! Meh. I would put Bianca above that.
#1 is hard to disagree with though, it’s Adore’s, “Party!” Do you think when Adore goes to an actual party that she goes, “Doctor’s appointment!” or, “Errands!” or, “Oil change!”? I do love it though when Adore says she has, “A whore mouth” because she says “fuck” all the fucking time. I feel you girl.
The next countdown is for the Top 4 Team Talent MVPs. This shit is starting to sound like a serious stretch. This is like one of those little kid field days where everyone wins a trophy isn’t it?
#4 Is Bianca’s stand-up comedy routine. “My mother is from Cuba, and my Dad is from Honduras, which basically means that I have a large dick, no credit and a tendency to take things that don’t belong to me.” Love it. Shangela says that she would never want to sit front row for a Bianca comedy show, because bitch is going to come for you.
With that face, she’s going to come for your whole family too
#3 is Adore’s performance in the “Oh No She Betta’ Don’t” rap video. “Ok she better should!” Well put Alaska. They should have these queens do commentary more often because I am LOVING it.
#2 is Courtney’s performance in Shade the Rusical and the funny part is that I am completely ignoring Courtney and paying more attention to DeLa in the background.
Courtney doesn’t even sound as good as I remember. I think I am underwhelmed by this performance after a second viewing. Sharon/Michelle says that “Courtney was a perfect Adelle Dazeem.” Ha! I love that people are still mocking Jorn Tromolta for that.
#1 is DeLa for her performance as Dame Maggie Smith during the Snatch Game.
It was pretty funny, even though I did prefer Bianca’s Judge Judy. I think I prefer Alaska’s impression of DeLa’s impression actually. Manila calls out DeLa for lying about not being able to do a British accent, “Lies! Liza Minnelli’s sister Lorna Luft!”
I JUST watched Lorna Luft in Grease 2 two frickin’ nights ago! I’m telling you, me and Manila are so on the same wavelength, it’s spooky. Love you Manila girl.
Top 3 WTF Challenge Moments is next. This should be good, there were several Mini-Challenges that were very WTF this season. It’s what we love though isn’t it?
#3 is the Surf’s Up Mini-Challenge which had the queens pairing up one on top of the other to make one “sexy” beach bunny.
This challenge was pretty hilarious, and it also was the first time we got to see Milk’s giant package.
Alaska likens the challenge to her relationship with Sharon Needles, while doing a pretty in-depth demonstration of scissoring with her hands.
In some unseen footage Adore tells Milk, “I might fart on your stomach.” and Milk hilariously responds in the cheeriest dead-pan voice imaginable, “That’s ok.” Why do I suddenly think that Milk was a bit like Tina Belcher when she was a kid?
#2 is the Hungman Mini-Challenge where the queens had to play hangman with the Scruff Pit Crews’ backsides. So much ass.
#1 is the first Mini-Challenge where the queens had to leap for their lives. How could we forget it, it gave us this moment with Vivacious, and formally introduced us to Ornacia.
We get to see that RuPaul herself actually did the leap too, and the result was FABULOUS!
“The only thing they haven’t done yet is set fire to the queens. Season 7? Burn all them bitches.”
Don’t give them any ideas Raven! You wonderful shady queen. (I still think you should have won!)
Top 4 Drag-cessories. Ooh, Ornacia has to be number one. I never leave home without my Ornacia.
#4 is Gia Gunn’s big-ass purse. The one I likened to Octamom’s Vagina. Jinkx thinks it would have been better if the purse had rolled in by itself and then Gia stepped out of it. Of course a Broadway queen would think of that.
#3 is April Carrion’s umbrella. That was a REALLY pretty outfit. Probably one of the top runway looks all season for me.
#2 is the fish oil from Shade the Rusical. Snooze.
#1, no surprise, it’s Ornacia! Alaska is shocked that Ornacia didn’t make it to the final three. You and me both. Did you know that Manila and Ornacia used to hit the clubs together? For real.
Top 5 Moments That Made Us Feel Things. Ok I genuinely cracked up at that.
#5 is Milk getting all teary-eyed and grateful when she was eliminated. I still laugh though when she says all these inspiring things and then suddenly busts out, “Can I get my phone back?”
#4 is Adore’s mom’s message on Untucked. Adore loves her mom so much, but not as much as her mom loves big cock apparently.
#3 is Laganja’s exit. Yeah that made me feel something alright, it made me feel glad.
I love when Raven loses her shit, “If you are gonna cry that fucking much, get a fucking better damn lash adhesive, and waterproof fucking mascara.” Preach it girl. Manila’s Laganja impression is spot on. Can we please just have an All-Stars Snatch Game with all the other queens impersonating OTHER queens? I would LIVE!
#2 is Trinity coming out with her HIV positive status. I ain’t gonna joke about that y’all. Trinity is one brave and fierce queen.
#1 is tears of joy during that terrible wedding challenge. This gets higher placement than Trinity’s HIV reveal? Gross.
During the talk show challenge, they had a “special mystery guest” come with a wild animal. It’s about as funny as it sounds. The best moment is when Bianca is looking at some armadillo thing and thinks it’s spiky tail is a big dick.
Oh Bianca, not every creature on earth has a dad from Honduras.
Top 10 Turnt-Up Runway Looks
#10 is Darienne’s Tony Awards look? Really? Yawn.
#9 is Laganja’s Tony Awards look. I preferred her look where she had the giant butterfly fascinator in her hair.
#8 is Trinity’s handmade look for the Princess Party, this was nice.
#7 is DeLa’s Golden Girls look which she also made from scratch.
Michelle/Sharon says that watching DeLa on the runway is like looking in a mirror. “A Fun House mirror. You know, one that makes me look thin.” Ha! I wish I could have seen Michelle’s face when she watched this.
#6 is Bianca’s black and white look. Good choice, I loved that look.
#5 is Vivacious spiky outfit? Seriously? Come on, that outfit was a joke.
#4 is Joslyn’s outfit of seventeen bikinis. What? Did this switch to be a countdown of the worst outfits and I missed it?
#3 is Adore’s Dripping in Jewels Eleganza look. Yawn.
#2 is Milk’s Pinocchio outfit. I did not care for this one.
#1 is Courtney Act’s bird outfit. Meh, apart from the wow factor of the wings, I wasn’t too taken with this look. I think it would have been hilarious if Courtney had had a wing malfunction similar to Vivacious and taken forever to find the mechanism that makes them flap.
Of course they have to show RuPaul’s top looks, because this is her show bitches. I liked most of her looks this season. The black and red gown, and the casino themed gown were probably my favorites.
Top 5 Judge Mental Moments
#5 was when Adam Lambert totally wanted to fuck April Carrion. They would make a cute couple.
#4 was Sheryl Lee Ralph telling Trinity to put a cork in it, literally. I don’t know what’s funnier, Latrice’s reaction to her saying that…
Or Alaska actually following the advice.
#3 is Leah Remini being insane with her BFF Michelle Visage. Alaska says they’re like Waldorf and Stadtler. Someone make Muppets of these two bitches stat!
#2 is Michelle Visage and Santino wanting to cut one another essentially at every judging panel. In some unseen footage, Santino keeps calling Bianca, Bianca Del Niro and he angrily denies it when Michelle and Ru call him out on the mistake, until he does it again. Ha! Santino sucks, why is he even here really?
#1 is… Khloe Kardashian? Ugh… they replay that footage of her talking about her giant puss again. Excuse me while I barf. Also apparently Khloe filmed an unseen lipsynch against Raven and Manila that was supposed to air on Keeping up with the Kardashians. Those two queens deserve better than playing second and third-rate bananas to a C-list reality TV star. It’s really just sad.
Ooh, next is the Top 5 Smackdowns!
#1 Is Milk vs Gia in Untucked when Gia read Milk for her weird pregnant Tony look.
#4 is Courtney vs Joslyn. Oh who cares really? Then Latrice says, “It’s a little like a big sister/little sister thing, until the little sister wakes up one day and realizes… it’s a man.”
Ha! Oh Latrice, don’t ever leave my television you amazing queen.
#3 is DeLa vs Darienne and I am reminded of what a nasty cunt Darienne was to DeLa. Shady, shady bitch.
#2 is Laganja vs Adore, when Laganja got upset about Adore for something Adore might have said that got Laganja upset, even though Laganja couldn’t remember exactly what or when she said it. In a nutshell, Laganja is a needy asshole.
Totally unrelated, but I thought that DeLa looked GORGEOUS in this throwaway shot of her in the mirror during Adore and Laganja’s kerfuffle.
If I were a gay man I would be ALL over that.
#1 is Bianca vs The World. Ha! They show a montage of Bianca insulting EVERYONE and Sharon/Michelle says, “Now let’s get this straight, Bianca’s not a bitch, she’s RIGHT.” So true.
Next is this seasons Top 3 Support Ho’s. Ha! I literally JUST got that.
#3 is Joslyn sticking up for Milk when Gia was reading her Tony look. Joslyn called Gia ignorant and that shit was amazing. I’d forgotten about that. You keep it foxy Ms. Fox. *whonk whonk* Latrice chimes in with, “Of course when a person is ignorant, they don’t understand what that word means.” Latrice is wise.
#2 Is Trinity supporting basically everybody during Untucked. Trinity was like everybody’s personal little cheerleader.
#1 is Bianca helping out Trinity and Adore, going against her “heartless bitch” image. We all knew she had a heart of gold.
Now it’s time to talk about the top three queens. We get a little retrospective on each of them, starting with their entry into the Werk Room. It’s all the same shit we’ve heard before. Adore is fucking cool, she’s from Asuza, she’s messy, it’s a party. Bianca is a consummate professional, a seamstress, a talented comedienne, and a bitch with a heart of gold. Courtney is a singer and a superstar and she’s pretty and perfect and polished.
Ru pimps some of her new products by letting us know that she is NOT going to mention them. How did I not know that RuPaul has a perfume called Glamazon?
Also I don’t care that it’s over-priced, I totally want a RuPaul chocolate bar.
That son-of-a-bitch Easter Bunny didn’t bring me one.
Now it’s time for the premiere of Sissy That Walk, the video we got to see the queens filming in the last episode. The video actually isn’t too bad and is a big improvement over last year’s video. It still doesn’t beat out my favorite music video from Drag Race: Glamazon. The sequence with the Scruff Pitt Crew undressing is quite hypnotic.
All of the queens performed well in the video, but Adore is a standout, and Bianca is not far behind her.
Now the video is over and… we never saw any of the bits from the last episode where they acted with Ru. What happened to Charles and Sissy, supermodel of the world? I was looking forward to seeing that terrible shit. Ah well.
Until next week hunties when it all comes to an end!