Sorry for the delayed recap children. Don’t you hate when real-life distracts you from what’s really important? Like Drag Race?
Back in the werkroom after last week’s elimination the girls are bidding a fond farewell to Joslyn Fox with a group under-boob honk. Is there a proper term for that gesture? I’m going to stick with under-boob honk for now. Adore hilariously refers to herself as, “The new Trinity!” for lip-synching two weeks in a row and surviving each one.
Darienne is all kinds of pissed about being in the bottom three for the wedding challenge and she hilariously blames in on Doogie Howser. Can’t we just blame everything on Doogie? Global Warming? All Doogie’s fault. Marriage inequality? All Doogie’s fault. He’s a great scapegoat. Darienne does seem like kind of a pill though.
So the girls are back for the next challenge and… Bianca has had a haircut?
Have they all had their hairs did?
The puppet mini-challenge is back! Darienne is so excited she flaps her bingo wings!
It must be a mainstay now, because this is the third time we’ve seen it. I still fondly remember season four when Chad Michaels made a PhiPhi O’Hara puppet with an enormous snaggle-tooth. I wonder who makes all the puppets before the queens drag them up? The original Pit Crew boys are there to help with the puppet selection and DeLa seems more than happy to see them.
The girls pull their puppets one by one from the glory hole. Adore gets DeLa, Bianca gets Adore, Darienne gets Courtney, DeLa gets Bianca and Courtney gets Darienne. There is much shade as the ladies drag up their competitors puppet dopplegangers. Adore is slightly offended when the other girls say that making her into a puppet is going to be too easy for Bianca because she’s a lot like a puppet already.
Adore is up first and I am FLOORED by her amazing BenDeLaCreme impersonation.
She has DeLa’s voice spot-on and I was not expecting that at all. I also didn’t know that apparently the girls give DeLa a hard time about how she covers her eyebrows. Oh you queens.
Bianca is next with her Adore puppet, complete with dirty pantyhose.
Apparently Adore doesn’t have the time, nor the inclination to wash her tights. Ew.
Darienne has hilariously just put a couple of rhinestones over her Courtney Act puppet’s nipples.
Courtney’s puppet impression of Darienne is really terrible. But she manages to save herself by joking that she’s finding it hard to make Darienne funny, much like in real life. SHADY!
DeLa brings down the house with her Bianca Del Rio puppet.
She’s used fake nails to give Bianca enormous teeth, and her imitation consists of lots of angry yelling about people being “Assholes!” and “Baloney!” Funny note, I showed my mom this mini-challenge and even though she doesn’t know anything about these queens, DeLa’s Bianca puppet had her crying with laughter. If Bianca doesn’t get her own show, maybe at least puppet Bianca can guest star on Sesame Street?
Of course DeLa wins the mini-challenge, she doesn’t appear to actually win anything though.
Oh well, the puppets were funny anyway.
For the main challenge the queens have to come up with three looks for a Glitter Ball: Banjee Girl Bling, Platinum Card Executive Realness, and Dripping in Jewels Eleganza. The jewel look has to be created from scratch, using the provided materials and rhinestones. Adore quietly shits herself as she realizes this is another sewing challenge. Enough queen! You knew you’d have to sew! Bitches ALWAYS have to sew on the show! Seriously, don’t bitch and moan about sewing challenges that you totally could have prepared for! I love Adore, but gah. That shit irritates the fuck out of me.
Oh I see, DeLa gets to assign the jewels to the queens for the third look. They get to choose between ruby, sapphire, diamond, topaz and rose quartz.
All the queens are stressed about the challenge except for Ms. Bianca Del Rio. Being a costume designer by trade, whipping up a dress is no problem for her.
Now that’s what I call a queen.
DeLa has given Bianca sapphire, Courtney ruby, Darienne topaz, herself rose quartz and she threw Adore a bone by giving her diamond in the hopes that it would make it easier for her to create something. Darienne seems really offended by this, that DeLa would actually be nice to a competitor. Darienne is one cut-throat bitch and doesn’t understand why you’d want to be nice when there’s $100,000 at stake.
Adore is insulted that Darienne would be so underhanded in order to win. “I wouldn’t throw you under the damn… ocean.”
I love you Adore.
Darienne is the type of person that we will all have to look out for when the zombie apocalypse happens. Girl will shoot you in the foot and push you into the hungry zombie hoard to save herself.
RuPaul comes by to see how the queens are doing and stops by Adore first. Now I’m a bit confused because Adore is working on her jeweled look, but she has a cute little white bodice on her dress-form that I KNOW she couldn’t have created herself. Do they give the queens a base garment to start off with? Cause I don’t call that making a look “from scratch”. Ru asks Adore how she’s going to show the judges that she belongs in the top three, and poor little Adore immediately starts to cry when she thinks about how she hasn’t done very well in the last few challenges.
Aww, I want to give her a hug, until I remember about her stinky tights. Maybe a pat on the back will do?
Ru asks Darienne why she hasn’t won more challenges. I’ll tell you why Ru, it’s because she sucks! Oh I kid, I kid, Darienne isn’t all that bad, but Bianca was right to call her a cunt. Out of all the queens left, she is certainly the nastiest.
Oh gaaaahd. Khloe Kardashian is going to be back as a guest judge. If she won’t shut up about her “puss” again I’m going to have to send out some nasty letters. The other guest judge will be Bob Mackie and I am thrown a bit by the odd pairing of these two. A fashion legend, and a reality television B-list star? Bianca orgasms all over the place when she hears that Bob Mackie will be there, and it’s a beautiful thing.
Of course Ru lets the girls know that they will also need to put on an opening number for the Glitter Ball, and lucky DeLa gets to be the one to do the choreography since she won the mini-challenge. Lucky her?
I’ve never noticed before that DeLa has such perfect, straight teeth.
They really need to just quit it with these opening numbers. I’m still reeling from last season’s Sugar Babies opening number and Jinx assaulting Roxxxy with her giant lollipop.
DeLa essentially unloads the choreography responsibility on Courtney, and it’s all very pointless anyway, because we know the opening number is going to be cringeworthy regardless of the choreography. Everyone is getting very opinionated about the opening number. It’s all very “whatever!” Just let these poor queens sew their damn garments, I mean really.
Darienne fucks up her dress and decides to completely redo the whole thing. Keep that in mind for later.
Adore seems to have a vision for her dress, but she has no idea how to execute what’s in her brain. Bianca tries to explain to her how to gather up the fabric and make a tutu, but poor Adore is all, “Gather?”
Poor kid is so in over her head with this challenge. The other queens are relieved by seeing her struggle because they think it means they’ll be safe.
Ru looks fucking gorgeous, I swear she hasn’t aged a day since I was a teenager, and I’m not even going to tell you how long ago that was!
Khloe Kardashian is dressed like a gay Popeye the Sailor and I just don’t know what to make of that.
Oh dear, the opening number is… well it’s a bunch of drag queens throwing together a musical number without much time to rehearse or prepare, so it’s pretty much what you’d expect.
First category is Banjee Girl Bling. DeLa’s banjee girl look is cute, it looks street-walkerish while still being pure DeLa. She works the attitude too.
Adore looks messy and trashy so she pretty much has this look spot on.
Bianca Del Rio is serving a slightly more refined banjee girl, but the look is still pretty good. She’s got a good set of legs too and I’m shocked that she’s kept them covered in endless gowns all this time.
Darienne Lake looks like a fucking disaster. If a dog ate one of those black velvet marker-colored posters and then vomited it all up over a blue wig, you’d have Darienne’s outfit. She looks like Rainbow Brite’s fat, less fashionable cousin. What was she thinking?
Courtney looks more grungy than banjee, and she shakes her flat boy ass at the judges while I just shake my head.
Next is Platinum Card Executive Realness. DeLa looks adorable in a sort of 50s inspired pinup business suit. It’s obviously a play on a career woman look, while still being completely DeLa.
Adore totally manages to look like a girl with her look, but it’s also very boring. It’s literally just some pants, heels, a button-down top and a blazer. She looks the part, but it’s just not draggy enough for me.
Bianca’s outfit is a bit dated but I think it’s deliberate on her part. Her legs look great, but it’s not her strongest look.
Darienne looks fucking tragic again. I seriously want to just slap her off of the stage after seeing these two horrible looks one after another. I haven’t seen such a weak effort on the runway since Mystique wore slacks and a top for a Country Couture challenge. At this stage in the game I am appalled that one of the top five queens would think that these looks are good enough for the runway.
Courtney? Eh, she’s in a power suit with a short skirt, she’s cute, but whatever. At least we don’t have to see her nonexistent ass again.
Finally we have Dripping in Jewels Eleganza. These are the looks that the queens had to make “from scratch”.
DeLa starts off with another kitten suit type of number for her rose-quartz look. She looks as cute as a cupcake.
Adore looks like a sort of ice princess in her diamond-inspired tutu. It’s not bad and she sells the look, but it’s a bit basic. Especially if she didn’t even make that bustier.
For the first time ever, I think that Bianca has a bit of a flop with this look. The construction is flawless, but I find the neckline to be unflattering and a bit matronly.
Darienne looks like Chewbacca wearing an ill-fitted bronze bikini and I am not exaggerating. This look is seriously awful. When Ru said “Dripping in Jewels,” I don’t think she meant to literally have them dripping off of you. Nothing says “eleganza” like a giant saggy sequined merkin.
Courtney Act looks pretty, but meh. This look feels really basic to me too. I was unimpressed by Courtney’s runway this episode.
The judges just TEAR into DeLa, and I do not get it at all. They seem to hate all of her looks and I wonder if we were watching the same show. They complain that her Executive Realness look seemed like a costume, but girl, these are freakin’ DRAG QUEENS. Plus DeLa has a very clear character, and every look was exactly something that fit her character. I call shenanigans.
Adore gets tons of praise lavished on her for her looks, and I’m starting to sense producer influence all over this judges panel.
Darienne gets negative comments about her looks, but they are WAY more subdued than they ought to be. I would have kicked her out right then and there, screw the lipsynch.
I’m happy when Michelle calls out Courtney for her flat ass. Girl needs Booty Pop™.
They ask the queens who should go home and all the queens say Darienne except for Courtney who says Adore.
After deliberations, Adore is deemed the winner and I am shaking my head.
I thought DeLa was going to be the clear winner of this challenged, and I am irritated that apparently that was just not in the cards for the way the show was scripted. I mean good on Adore, I love her, but this win is not deserved. DeLa is placed in the bottom two with Darienne and I am appalled.
During the lipsynch it is clear that Darienne is channeling the emotion of the song a bit more than DeLa, and I am pissed because I know this means that DeLa is going to be sent home.
Sure enough, Ru asks her to sashay away, and I am bullshit. DeLa was far better than Darienne and definitely deserved to be in the competition longer. I haven’t been this upset by an elimination since team Latrila got the early boot from All Stars. DeLa should not be going home.
I rest slightly easier knowing the hate-mail that Darienne is going to receive over this.
Until next week hunties! Sorry for the disappointing recap this week. No Photoshops at all! Honestly I was really pissy over DeLa’s elimination and had a hard time getting over it. I promise a better recap for the next one.