I know my recap is really fucking late. Do any of you even remember this episode? What show am I recapping again? Amazon didn’t upload the episode until Wednesday! Sons of bitches!
So we return at the end of last week’s episode and the girls are wishing the departed April adieu while Laganja pisses and moans about something that went on during Untucked. Now I don’t generally watch Untucked but I did catch last week’s episode and Laganja has the worst case of “Special Snowflake Syndrome” that I have ever seen. Girl probably doesn’t even tuck her junk by herself. I am so unimpressed by this whiny, needy little pile of insecurity. Next please!
Laganja is moaning to Adore about how the big mean girls hurt her feelings backstage when they made a joke at her expense. Boo fuckin’ hoo. Someone please ship this queen off to AIDS stricken Africa for a few months so she can learn what a difficult life is really like. Heck, ship her off to a motel that doesn’t have room service and complementary bathrobes and she’d probably be just as shell-shocked.
Bianca is still wearing her clown makeup but has taken her wig off and she’s totally giving me a Tony Curtis in Some Like it Hot vibe.
Shell Oil Jr. realness.
The next morning Laganja walks in wearing some shit on her head that looks like Jamby from Peewee’s Playhouse had a baby with a Spanish galleon.
It is not good. Obviously she’s just wearing it so that people will look at her. I have had ENOUGH of this bitch.
Ru comes in and I do not understand what is going on with this blue-screened leg doing a can-can over and over again next to Ru’s head. Can anyone educate a bitch here and explain this? Am I missing a reference?
RuPaul comes in and immediately informs the ladies that the next challenge is… SNATCH GAME! What? No mini-challenge? What black magic is this? And why it gotta be black?
Now I should explain. I am a HUGE fan of the original Match Game. It is one of the greatest things to have come from the 1970s, along with the Chia Pet. If you have never seen the original, get thee over to GSN and watch some of that shit. It doesn’t get much better than Charles Nelson Reilly, Bret Summers and Richard Dawson coming up with responses to, ‘Unlucky Louie said, “I went on a diet and lost three inches. Unfortunately it was off of my _____.”‘ Such a great show. I wonder how many of these queens have actually seen the original show and how many only know of it from Drag Race?
Adore is so excited for Snatch Game she gets all twitchy.
The queens all putter about the werk room putting together their outfits for Snatch Game. Bianca is going to be Judge Judy ad I think that bitch is going to kill it. Joslyn informs her that Judge Judy is RuPaul’s favorite show which makes Bianca do this…
Apparently she was unaware that Ru was such a big fan and now she’s feeling the pressure. Courtney thinks it’s hilarious that Bianca’s feathers have finally been ruffled.
Courtney is going to be Fran Drescher. Really? How ’bout that. Moving on.
Laganja and her stupid hat are going to be Rachel Zoe. I know that name but I have no idea what a Rachel Zoe is. Is it like a Stevie Nicks? Joslyn is going to be someone from some show? I have no idea. OUT OF TOUCH! Darienne is going to be Paula Deen. That could be really funny. Bitch loves butter and she’s racist. Comedy gold!
Ru shows up to check things out as the girls prepare and we learn that Adore is going to be doing Anna Nicole Smith. Adore gives Ru a small taste of her impersonation, and it’s sloppy, blond and slurry; everything we knew and loved about Anna Nicole. It’s almost a little scary how on-point it is.
G-G-G-Gia is planning on being Selena. Once again my out-of-touchitis strikes again as I ask my husband if that’s the “Don’t cry for me Argentina” lady. Apparently that is Evita. Then I ask if Selena died in a plane crash and apparently I’m wrong again. Sorry Selena, I’m sure you deserve more than this.
I do however know who Julia Child is, unlike Milk, who is planning on being Julia Child for Snatch Game. Ru asks her how she plans on making Julia Child funny and Milk just blathers something about how Julia wrote a 730 page book about French cooking. Oh Milk I am so, so disappointed in your performance on this show so far. I was expecting whole Milk but all I’m getting is 1%. I don’t know if it’s just that Milk doesn’t thrive in a competitive atmosphere, but she’s coming across as much less clever and witty than she did in her Meet the Queens video.
DeLa is putting on some old lady makeup so she can be Dame Maggie Smith in the Snatch Game. Now I thought this was a challenge DeLa would be very comfortable with due to her background in performance, but she is nervous because impersonations are not her thing. Ru gives her the third degree, asking how she’s going to make Maggie Smith funny and it’s all very stilted and awkward. Then DeLa mentions that she also considered impersonating Alyssa Edwards, one of the queens from last season. She shows Ru a bit of her Alyssa Edwards impression and it looks like DeLa is really overdoing it at an audition for a choking PSA.
I fear for DeLa.
They cut to a talking head of her all red-eyed and saying that Ru shook her confidence and I want to give her a hug. Chin up Ben, you’ll do all right girl.
Ru informs the queens that the runway theme this evening is going to be “The Night of 1000 Ru’s” as the queens will have to channel RuPaul herself on the stage. The range of reactions from the queens is hilarious. We have terror:
We have elation:
We have, “Say what now?”
It’s time for Snatch Game!
Oh hello there Miles Davis Moody! Once again our winner of “Package of the Week”!
Bianca is unsurprisingly hilarious as Judge Judy, she has her expressions down to a “T” and her quick wit and acid tongue work perfectly for this impersonation. Girl even brought a puppet of the bailiff to use as a prop. Now THAT is a bitch who has done her homework and that is how all of these bitches should approach Snatch Game.
Adore is creepily hilarious as Anna Nicole Smith.
Oh look, Milk changed her mind and is doing Faye Dunaway in Mommy Dearest. Oh wait, she has a rolling pin, I guess she’s still doing Julia Child? This is a fail and a half.
Laganja is… annoying? Yeah let’s leave it at that.
Oh let’s not, let’s make fun of her some more, maybe we can make her cry again! I have no clue what Rachel Zoe sounds like, but apparently she does not sound like Laganja. Trinity wins the one-liner of the week when she asks the producers, “Does Rachel Zoe really sound like that? No? *beat* That’s unfortunate.”
Darienne is hilariously perky and southern as Paula Deen and she wins the “Most Committed” award for taking a big honkin’ bite out of a stick of butter on camera. When Darienne dies a few months from now of a heart attack, at least she can say she gave her all on the Snatch Game.
Oh Gia. Not only does she not look a thing like Kim Kardashian, she isn’t funny in the slightest. Except when Ru asks her about her baby and she hilariously says that she’s still having some “Morning After” issues. That would have been funny if she’d said it intentionally, but she really just is clueless. Gia honey, you meant “morning sickness”, the morning after pill is for morning sickness prevention! Big difference there. At one point Bianca yells at her, “Beauty fades! Dumb is FOREVAH!” And I die.
Joslyn manages to make me laugh in spite of me not having any idea who she’s impersonating. I was particularly amused by the “Cumin” bit and her refusing to be corrected on it’s pronunciation. “Prostitution Whorses” is also going to be the name of my new band.
DeLa is surprisingly funny as Maggie Smith. She played Maggie Smith as her character from Downton Abbey and really pushed the anachronistic aspect of her being on the game show. She also calls RuPaul, Ruple. I think RuPaul should start using that nickname.
Trinity’s Nicki Minaj is just kind of… there. I really don’t know what to make of her. She doesn’t seem to suck, but she doesn’t seem to be particularly good.
All-in-all this is probably the best Snatch Game ever. There are always a few clunkers, but there were far more queens who did a really good job with their characters, compared to earlier seasons. Bianca, Adore, Darienne, Joslyn and DeLa all did admirable jobs, Courtney was sort of in the middle somewhere along with Trinity, and only Milk, Laganja, and Gia were outright stinkers.
After the Snatch Game, it’s time to get ready for the runway and Courtney is feeling particularly nervous about trying to do RuPaul justice right in front of… RuPaul.
Or maybe she’s just constipated. It could go either way really.
Adore is bemoaning her “hog body” which prompts DeLa to share that she was a fat kid growing up and had a lot of insecurities because of it. She explains how her mother, who passed away when Ben was only thirteen, was the only person who always told her she was beautiful just the way she was. Oh DeLa, you make me cry you bitch! No dead moms on Drag Race please! I just want to hug the crap out of DeLa this episode.
Miss Bianca isn’t fooling anybody with this “super bitch” persona. Girl we know inside that hard candy exterior lurks a soft bubble gum heart. Adore’s been getting heck from Michelle about not being cinched on the runway, and Bianca offers to lend her an extra cincher. She’s such a sweetie under all that sass. I love when the girls help one another like this. Now let’s all hold hands and sing kumbaya.
Runway! RuPaul looks like Las Vegas come to life! I am living for this look!
Michelle Visage is wearing a RuPaulesque wig and I DIE.
I love Michelle more and more as this show goes on. I am very disappointed though that Santino didn’t get more into the “Night of 1000 Ru’s” spirit.
First up is Joslyn Fox and though she looks pretty enough, it doesn’t scream RuPaul to me.
Next up is Gia and Ru hilariously yells out, “That’s mah dress!” Indeed it is. Who wore it better though?
Who else but Ru? There is also something dreadfully wrong with Gia’s eyelashes.
Darienne Lake comes out in a masquerade mask and eh, the look is ok. Darienne always looks nice on the runway, but she’s yet to blow me away.
Laganja is doing a play on futurist Ru in a fembot outfit and I can see where she’s going with this, but the colors kind of miss the mark.
Next is my Miss Bianca, and girl, what the fuck did you do to your face? It looks like she was biffed in the face with a powderpuff because she’s white from forehead to nose but beneath that it looks like she got five o’clock shadow. I don’t know what happened here because usually her clown makeup is flawless. This is not her best look at all.
Adore comes out in her usual little mermaid type dress, and she’s much improved by Bianca’s cincher. I’m still not seeing RuPaul at all though.
Trinity is next and finally someone gets close to the aesthetic of Ru. The big side-swept hair, the fascinator, the long clingy gown, this is the best RuPaul look so far.
Then comes DeLa and she has nailed the RuPaul look perfectly. She’s got the big Ru hair, the fascinator and her gown is a copy of a lovely little lemon chiffon number that she apparently stole out of Ru’s closet. “Wait a minute, that IS my dress!” I want to see them side by side. Ru and her mini-me.
Courtney is next in a sort of spangly showgirl number with fabric wings. She certainly pulls it off and it’s virtually identical to something Ru herself wore.
Next is Milk and I think I said out-loud, “Oh she didn’t did she?” But she did!
Milk comes out dressed like boy RuPaul in a suit, saddle shoes and glasses. Unfortunately I’m getting less RuPaul and more creepy Six Flags Guy.
Now I get that Milk likes to play with gender, but this is not playing with gender, this is just dressing up as a man. It’s easy and simple and really not interesting or noteworthy at all in my opinion. If she’d beaten her face and worn big glamorous hair and THEN the suit, that would have been gender-bending.
After the runway the judges tear apart Gia Gunn for sucking the suckiest of sucks which makes her eyelid go all wonky again.
Michelle also makes me love her even more by saying that Laganja’s performance as Rachel Zoe was more like The Chicken Lady from Kids in the Hall. I love me some Chicken Lady.
Milk also gets some heck for her lack of versatility in constantly choosing kooky over style, and her crappy crappy Snatch Game performance.
Bianca, Adore and DeLa are all praised for their Snatch Game performance, but Adore and Bianca are told that their runway looks fall a bit short of doing Ru justice.
In the end, DeLa is given the win which makes her a happy camper since this was the challenge she was dreading most.
And Bianca has a sad.
Now my love for Bianca knows no bounds, but I’ll freely admit when my favorite queen falls short of another. In this instant, I think Bianca deserved the win. DeLa’s Snatch Game performance was funny, but Snatch Game is about impersonation. DeLa didn’t really impersonate Maggie Smith, she did a performance as a generic old English woman from the Victorian era, it could have been anyone. Bianca did Judge Judy to a “T” and was so spot on with her mannerisms and expressions. Even though her RuPaul look may not have been the best, I still think she deserved the win for this one. I still love DeLa, and I don’t begrudge her the win, but I don’t think it was entirely deserved.
I was certain that the bottom two was going to be Gia and Milk but for some reason Milk is spared and Laganja is put in the bottom two. I call shenanigans on this. Sure Laganja sucked as Rachel Zoe, but at least she had the look somewhat right. Milk didn’t sound like Julia Child, she didn’t look like Julia Child, and she didn’t even manage to dress like Julia Child. That combined with the uninspired and completely easy runway look should have put her in the bottom.
Luckily for Laganja, she’s a much better lip syncher than Gia and it’s an easy win. Especially when Gia takes about five full minutes to strip out of her dress to reveal an unflattering bedazzled peach colored leotard. Laganja also takes a page out of Alyssa Edwards’ book and jumps into a full split while still in her heels.
You’re a whiny bitch Laganja, but your drag mother will be proud.
Goodbye G-G-G-Gia. I’ll miss your wonderfully ignorant talking heads, but most of all, I’ll miss your wonky eyelashes.
Until next week hunties!