We’re back bitches! Vivacious is gone, but her memory lives on. We will not soon forget a queen who gave us such wonderful things as Ornacia. Party on you crazy queen! April feels like she needs to prove herself now that she’s been in the bottom two. Is that foreshadowing I smell? Or is that just Gia with all her fishiness? Bianca hilariously asks Gia if she’s in a Whitesnake video while she does Tawny Kitaen proud, flipping her hair around. The funniest part about that exchange is that I’m sure Gia has no idea who Whitesnake is.
Then Laganja does this hilarious hair-tossing/finger snapping motion over and over again that makes me wish I knew how to make gifs.
The show seems desperately editing to make us think that Bianca is an insufferable bitch that all the other queens are getting tired of, but eh, I’m not buying it. You can see it in her eyes, girl is bitch, but she’s a fun bitch. Is anyone else getting an extreme Chico Marx vibe from Bianca out of drag or am I just that fucking old? Next I’ll be telling you all about the great days of Vaudeville and asking hussies for 2-bit blowjobs.
The next morning it’s mini-challenge time and this one is a good one. Although I wonder if people will get up-in-arms over Ru’s use of the term she-male? I know that RuPaul occasionally gets some heat for proported insensitivities towards transgendered people, but I honestly don’t see it. She seems to have a lot of love in her heart for all her queens, and that includes the ones who have revealed themselves to be transgendered either during or post-show. But I digress! That’s FAR too much seriousness for this blog.
The mini-challenge tasks the girls with looking at closeup shots of body parts and identifying whether the person is a biological female, or a biological male. It was surprisingly funny and I was pretty pleased by how well I did playing along at home. At one point there were a giant pair of lips up on screen and I immediately identified them as belonging to Miss Detox.
And Bianca once again wins for this week’s best Post-BlowJob Face! She’s obviously a busy girl.
Courtney Act hilariously mistakes Chyna the wrestler for a man and is unsure whether that should really count as a mistake. I’m with Courtney here, I’ve seen the stills from Chyna’s sex tape if you haven’t Googled that already, do yourself a favor and don’t. Two words. BIG TOE. Even though she has it covered up by a dress, Chyna and her big-toe still win this episode’s “Package of the Week”.
Congrats Chyna, I think?
As a former watcher of America’s Next Top Model (don’t you judge me!) I die when one of the shots is of Tyra Bank’s five-head and her awful wig.
Michelle Visage’s ample bosom is in another photograph and all the queens who got that answer wrong should be ashamed. Michelle’s boobs are amazing and I swear she hikes them up higher and higher every season. By season 10, I think she’s going to look like this.
Seriously Michelle, I love you and I love your bosom.
I wish it had it’s own spin-off show, too bad the name Bosom Buddies has already been taken.
The queens who did the best at telling males from she-males are Adore Delano and Ben DeLaCreme so both are named team captains and responsible for divying up the queens for the main challenge. This time the queens are forced to mix things up a bit as both Adore and DeLa were from the first batch to arrive in the werk room. The main challenge this week will see the girls putting on Shade: The Rusical and the girls rightly snatch up the queens who are good at singing and dancing. Last picked are poor April and Trinity, so they obviously suck at singing. Luckily Courtney and Adore wind up on different teams because that would have given one team a way unfair advantage having both of the American Idol contestants.
Can we talk about DeLa’s leopard print shorts for a moment?
I can’t tell whether these are tragic or amazing. DISCUSS!
They start by giving out the roles and Trinity wants to play it safe by playing one of the pageant queens and not going out of her drag comfort zone. Trinity is super insecure about her ability to perform in the musical. “I’m a drag queen, I lip synch.” Girl, have you watched this show? How many of the past queens have been awesome singers and dancers? If you want to be America’s Next Drag Superstar, you need to have a little bit more in your bag of tricks besides some nice dresses and lip synching skills. And by bag, I mean vagina. I don’t think Trinity is going to make it very far in this competition. I think she’s a sweetheart, but she’s just so unsure of herself. Her CUNT is lacking in Nerve. And if you don’t have Nerve in your CUNT you get CUT, bitch! Trinity may be lacking in nerve, but you know what she’s not lacking in? Shiny shit to put on her hats.
April, remembering how last week’s challenge went, doesn’t want to play the butch drag queen again and instead opts to play the fat queen. I’m sure that’s going to work out well. In the end. Because she’s going to have a fat ass, get it?
The teams practice together a bit and it’s honestly sounding pretty rough. Even the two girls who consider themselves “singers” seem a bit nervous and quavery. I’m not particularly impressed. Of course my singing sounds about as good as Yara Sophia’s without autotune, so who am I to talk? Gia is particularly awful, but she’s trying and she laughs at herself. She’s growing on me. Keep it up girl.
The girls go to rehearse their parts with none other than the adorable Lucian Piane, whose name I have finally learned how to pronounce properly. He’s like Elijah Wood’s well-groomed gay twin, without all that whining about a stupid ring being heavy. Lucian is responsible for composing Shade: the Rusical and the less confident girls are all terrified of letting him down and butchering his work. Oh girls, you do realize he probably wrote this during his lunch break right? For some reason Lucian’s sister is there and apparently she’s a choreographer? I just don’t care. Where’s the guy with the long hair and the high-heels who used to teach them the choreography? I want him back!
The girls fumble and mumble through their rehearsal, and things aren’t looking great for Shade: The Rusical. Even our resident singing queens seem to have lost their mojo. Is the cuteness of Lucian just distracting everyone? Ru, you gotta get yourself an ugly music producer to keep these bitches focused. Seriously, he’s so cute he should be in a Disney cartoon, all he needs is a little animal on his shoulder.
The girls prep for the actual show and I am in love with Gia’s 8-bit glasses.
Trinity gets especially testy with the other girls because she’s having trouble doing a turn in her dress. Girl you’re a pageant queen, isn’t Turning in a Dress 101 an introductory course when you do that shit? I do like Trinity, but her defeatest attitude is starting to tick me off a bit. By the time you get on Drag Race, you should be polished and competent and confident in your drag. I have little patience for these girls who still seem to be finding their stocking-clad legs in the drag world. Was it Michelle Visage who said before, “This isn’t RuPaul’s School for Girls!” Damn right, although wouldn’t you give anything for that to be a real show? Sign L’il Poundcake up for that shit!
Gia wonders if Trinity’s lack of confidence comes from her being sexually frustrated as Trinity starts to freak out again over the dance moves she has to do. Maybe the pit crew could help her out with that?
Adore confesses that when she went on American Idol her mom told her that she should act more butch so that people wouldn’t make fun of her. That genuinely makes me sad, that these vibrant and wonderful people think that they have to pretend to be someone that they’re not to be accepted. The world is progressing Adore, we’ll get there someday.
After telling everyone that she doesn’t know what a Tony is (seriously girl?), Gia tells the girls a little bit about her background in kabuki and she starts to grow on me even more. She’s still little more than bitchy fish, but she is amusing in her talking heads and she does genuinely seem to have a passion for what she does. I’ll let you live another day girl!
Showtime and Ru is once again the blond bombshell we all know and love and is turning it out in a lovely sequenced (Roxxxy Andrews™) dress.
I have no idea who the guest judge is. Like I said, out of touch.
Shade: The Rusical begins and it’s… well… it’s about what you’d expect from a slapped together musical starring drag queens. It has it’s moments, but last season’s musical about RuPaul’s life was much funnier. Of course we had Alaska playing Ru’s mother in that one, so it was hard to go wrong. Team DeLa begins the show and Bianca and Trinity are playing the pageant queens. They sell it pretty well but Trinity is so busy channeling her inner Mush Mouth that you can’t understand a WORD that she sings.
Courtney is adorable playing the role of Good Penny and she sounds much better now that the rehearsals are over and she’s performing for real. DeLa doesn’t have the greatest voice but she is fully into the part of the Shady Queen and you can tell that theater is just her thing. She’s wearing some kind of stockings and garters number that gives me all sorts of Sweet Transvestite vibes and I kind of love it.
Gia and Darienne are the comedy queens and they are decidedly unimpressive. When you can’t make a fart joke funny, something is wrong!
Next up it’s Adore’s team and she has smartly given herself the lead role as Bad Penny. Her voice isn’t feminine like Courtney’s, but she sings with a lot of emotion and really sells the part. Laganja, April and Joslyn are all pretty meh and forgettable as the showgirl queens. At the end of it all Milk comes out looking like Mary-Kate Olson. Milk’s singing is just ok. Even though she’s not great I kind of love how earnest she is as she seems to be giving her all.
Shade: The Rusical ends with a big finish and the moral is that all queens should love one another.
A very abbreviated runway follows where we barely get to see all the looks the queens are wearing. They were tasked with wearing their best Tony Awards ensemble and most of them look quite nice.
DeLa is particularly striking in a dark red gown and a headpiece.
Courtney is wearing the adorable pink wig from her audition video that I’d hoped we’d see her in and she looks positively precious.
Then Milk comes out in… this?
Now I get what Milk does, I get that it’s meant to be art and kooky, but Sharon Needles was kooky too, and she could pull out a fishy girlie look from time to time. I want Milk to get out of this kooky comfort zone just for a little while. I’m annoyed that she is deemed one of the safe girls based on her performance and doesn’t get any criticism for this look. I still love Milk, but I might be becoming a tad lactose intolerant.
The judges tear into Trinity for her mush-mouth, and Trinity immediately gets defensive and talks back to the judges. I cheer when the guest judge tells her to put a cork in it, but then I take it back when she means that she thinks Trinity should literally put a cork in her mouth because it will help her to learn to enunciate when she talks. Now see, this is something that could be taught in RuPaul’s School for Girls. Not only does it help you enunciate, it helps to tame that overactive gag reflex!
Not surprisingly they loved Courtney, Adore and DeLa, although Adore gets some smack-down from Michelle for not cinching in her waist again. I wish Adore would just have fun with it, “Girl did you just call me fat?!”
After deliberations Ru announces the winner just like at a rewards show, complete with, “May I have the envelope please?” While Ru opens the envelope, Courtney act waves her hands around all anxious-like and I really kind of love her.
Unsurprisingly Courtney wins and she also wins Best Blowjob Face of the week.
Trinity and April are deemed the bottom two and have to lipsynch for their lives. This is probably the most energetic lipsynch we’ve had so far and both queens really serve it up. There can be only one though, and April is told to sashay away. I think Ru made the right choice, Trinity delivered a pretty killer lipysnch. Although I was disappointed that her flipper didn’t fall out mid-song.
Goodbye April, you were cute and I will miss your little sailor hat, but someone had to go. They’re down to the top ten now! Already? Fuck this show is over far too fast. The credits roll and Courtney motorboats Darienne’s giant boobies and I love her even more.
Thus ends episode four, until next week hunties!