Episode three bitches! Or is this episode two? Fuck, this double premiere thing has me SO confused. I don’t know whether I’m sashaying or shantaying.
Once more we are back in the werk room and the two groups of queens are getting their first gander at one another. There is much shade thrown about, and Bianca makes some of the most amazing stank faces I’ve ever seen.
Gia tries to assert herself as the alpha bitch but she is quickly and easily cut down by Bianca. Don’t these young queens know that you never mess with a seasoned queen? I wonder if Gia will quickly wise up and keep her mouth shut or if she’ll be clueless enough to try to keep being the grand high bitch.
The next morning Mama Ru greets the girls with some horror-themed shemail. RuPaul is working some Carol Ann realness as she hilarious quotes, “They’re queer!” Oh I love this show. Seriously does Ru come up with these gems herself or is it the writers who work this magic?
I think the mini challenge is one of the weirdest and most hilarious that the show has ever seen. The girls have to pair up with one another and they are not allowed to choose someone from their original group of seven. Ooh forcing the groups to co-mingle, the shade of it all! Everyone seems to just kind of grab whichever queen they’re the closest to. Ben slowly snakes her arm around Darienne who looks over in surprise and it’s kind of cute. Once paired up, the girls have to combine themselves like the world’s gayest Voltron, with one queen being the bottom and one queen being the top. Then they have to lip synch and dance to one of my favorite RuPaul songs: Click Clack. The results are fabulous, slightly creepy, and of course, loads of fun.
Adore pairs with Milk, with Adore as the top and Milk as the bottom. Milk is wearing this teeny gold lame speedo and bitch is packing some MAJOR heat.
How the fuck does she tuck that thing? What with Milk and the new member of the Pit Crew, I think I may have to just make “Package of the Day” a regular thing on this blog. You’re quite welcome gentle readers
Adore and Milk are the winners, although I think Courtney and Laganja gave them a good run for their money. In the end Milk’s mesmerizing member probably hypnotized Ru so much that she couldn’t pay attention to the others.
Joslyn played the bottom for her team and is also wearing some sort of teeny bikini bottoms and what the heck is going on there?
I don’t know whether she has a crotch tattoo or some sort of vagina soul patch. Is Joslyn serving up merkin realness? The world may never know.
Main challenge time! Unsurprisingly it’s an acting challenge and our girls are tasked with filming two little horror vignettes, one set in the 60s and one set in the 80s. Milk and Adore are team leaders since they won the mini challenge and get to pick their own teams. They naturally divide the girls up between batch #1 and batch #2, Adore picking all of the queens from the first episode, and Milk taking all from the second. So much for making new friends! I’m curious to see how long they’re going to keep up these cliques.
The girls look over their scripts. Adore’s group has gotten the 80s horror film and Gia hilariously mispronounces “delorean”.
Bitch get your ass on Netflix and watch Back to the Future. But she redeems herself with me a bit when she surmises that perhaps it’s a word for an ancient dildo. Oh Gia, those are called monoliths.
Clearly these are the relics from a tribe of Milk’s ancestors.
Can we talk about Laganja’s hair for a moment because I’m kind of in love with her boy look. She’s got her blond hair all swept up in a kewpie doll curl and somehow she makes it work. She’s all kinds of adorable even if she can be a bit annoying. Girl is growing on me.
Darienne winds up getting saddled with the “head in a box” role. Not surprising that out of a group of gay men you can’t find anyone volunteering to put their head in a box.
There is a bit of Drama when Trinity asks for acting tips and Bianca suggests that she make her character more ghetto and Trinity is all, “Oh so the black girl’s gotta be ghetto?” Girl you ARE ghetto! It’s much easier to play a character that talks and acts similar to yourself when you’ve never acted before. I’m glad when this doesn’t snowball into some craziness with her calling Bianca racist or anything. I think Trinity is just insecure being so inexperienced in a room filled with queens who have been around the block a few times.
Showtime! Ru and Michelle direct as Milk’s group of girls film their 60s horror show. Bianca and Courtney are bringing it as two gossipy types having an impromptu lesbian fumble on the couch. Joslyn is surprisingly hilarious as a ditzy blond teenager.
Poor Trinity is a bit lost though and Ru has to come up and essentially show her what to do and Trinity is understandably embarrassed by this.
Trinity continues to fumble as they move on to film the scenes of Darienne’s head in a box. Darienne is irritated by Trinity and wants to punch her in HER box. Yay for more vagina jokes! I’m glad I’m not the only one making them.
Next up is Adore’s group doing their 80s themed horror sequel. It starts off with April and Laganja repeating a similar lesbian themed scene on the couch but there is no laughter this time. They are terrible. Later on April takes lots of heat for her acting, but I think that Laganja was only marginally better.
Gia comes out and she sucks too. You would think she’d excel at playing a vapid, bratty teenager, but she is just completely flat. Girl is holding a cell phone the size of Milk’s dick up to her ear and she can’t even make it funny.
When you hold Gia’s head up to your ear, you can hear the ocean!
Adore can’t remember her lines or her cues, but when she finally delivers the lines, she’s phenomenal. I seriously want to write a script for an 80s movie just so I can have Adore star in it as a brainless valley girl. It’s a shame she wasn’t more prepared off the bat because girl killed it once she got in the zone.
Vivacious is the lucky head in the box for this group, and I think they may have actually decapitated Vivacious for this role. She was not bringing me life.
Apparently she didn’t realize that the head in the box was supposed to still be alive.
Ben is playing the crazy mother and is looking just like Mrs. Vorhees in that dusty old sweater. I wonder if that was intentional?
The next day the queens come back in the werk room and get ready for the runway. We learn that Vivacious can not let go of her Club Kid days even though bitch is in her 40s now, and Trinity wants to be Beyonce. Oh crap, is she going to be Tyra Sanchez 2.0? I cannot deal with that again. Please don’t let her make it to the Snatch Game and try to do Beyonce. Kenya Michaels fell off her chair and still couldn’t make Beyonce funny.
I’m not sure if I’m feeling RuPaul’s look for this runway. Maybe I’m just finding it jarring to not see her as a blond for once. Combined with that dress, I’m finding it less Bride of Frankenstein and more Bride of Fungicide.
But then Ru asks Santino if he is “dark sided” and I die.
Bianca is serving SHOULDERS and looking very lovely on the runway tonight. I don’t think I’d ever consider her a fishy queen, but this was certainly glamorous and lovely. She looked like a million bucks. In monopoly money. But still. That game is hard bitch!
Courtney, is simply breathtaking in her Aussie-pride ensemble.
Joslyn is actually looking pretty nice and polished in a golden off-the-shoulder disco look and her face looks fantastic. Maybe I misjudged this one?
Trinity looks lovely in her gown, but I’m still seeing a lot of man in her face. Maybe Bianca tainted my opinion with her Sammy Davis Jr. comments?
Milk comes out wearing the same damn cutout leggings and heels that she wore on the first episode when she entered the werk room. She’s also made up to look like Pinocchio, a look we already saw in her audition video. There’s a wood joke in there somewhere, but I’m too underwhelmed by this outfit to waste the energy on it. I’m disappointed in you Milk.
Darienne is hugely improved this week from her awful St. Patrick’s Day party nightmare, and really knows how to work the swirly twirly fabric.
April looks adorable in a yellow and turquoise little number complete with an umbrella. She claims she’s bringing “Singing in the Rain realness”, that is a realness that I didn’t know existed, but hey, it works.
Laganja looks completely adorable in her gown with a large butterfly fascinator on her head.
Her hair is styled in these intricate ringlet curls and I wonder if it’s her own boy hair or a wig? I couldn’t tell from the quick glimpses shown on the runway. Either way, it’s a very cute look for her, and her walk is greatly improved from episode one.
Gia. Barf. It looks like Ursula from The Little Mermaid joined weight watchers. What a poor unfortunate soul.
Adore comes out and I hate to say it because I’m very fond of Adore, but girl is a hot mess. Her wig is ratty and the color is doing nothing for her, and the dress looks like it was the result of another, “Make your dress out of crap” challenge. The girls were supposed to showcase their best drag and this is what Adore pulled out? I could find better drag in my husband’s closet and he is NOT a drag queen. Girl needs to step it up!
Ben looks like a kindergartner all made up for her first dance recital. I am feeling it, but that feeling is “creeped out”.
Oh Vivacious. Sonic the Draghog. This is not a good thing.
The girls stand on the runway and watch their videos. Team Milk’s video is pretty hilarious, although I don’t know why suddenly there’s this little person who we never saw before electrocuting everyone at the end.
Seriously, where the fuck did she come from and who was she? She was adorbs, an introduction would have been nice.
It’s Team Adore’s turn and unsurprisingly it’s terrible. It’s so terrible it makes Michelle Visage look constipated.
And hello to Michelle’s boobs. Really they ought to have their own show.
I mean really both films are terrible because these little scripted vignettes always have terrible writing and jokes but at least Team Milk’s was slightly amusing. Team Adore’s is just abysmal. April and Laganja are AWFUL. Really the only good parts are Adore’s valley girl and Ben’s crazy mother, and even Ben was a bit over the top. Vivacious is even more terrible when you see the whole thing edited together. They should have given the part to Ornacia.
See? That’s already better!
Gia seems to think that Milk’s team had an advantage by their film being in black and white. Girl doesn’t understand that the world didn’t turn color until sometime in the 70s.
Not surprisingly, Team Milk wins, and AM I THE ONLY PERSON NOTICING THAT RU KEEPS CALLING MILK “MELK”? “Melk! Team Melk! Melk! Melk! Melk!” Why the fuck were people in the Brewster Projects calling milk “melk” while Ru was growing up?
Darienne is named the individual winner for giving such amazing head. And for her acting. Yay Darienne! She’s so excited that she gives us this week’s best Blow Job Face!
So double-congrats Dariene!
Bianca wins the runner-up prize for having the best Post-Blow Job Face of the week.
The judges tear apart poor April Carrion’s performance and she looks genuinely confused. Maybe she thought she was on Rupaul’s Best Friend Race?
Vivacious also gets some heat for not giving good head. She also cannot hear in that stupid costume she’s wearing.
Adore is also in the bottom for not having her shit together as the team leader and for having a busted look.
I’m not surprised to see that Vivacious is again in the bottom two, but I AM surprised that April is chosen to be in the bottom with her. Yes April’s performance in the challenge was terrible, but her runway look was amazing. Adore on the other hand acted well in the challenge, but did not perform well as the team leader AND she had a shitty runway. As much as I adore Adore, I think she deserved to be in the bottom more than April.
Lip synch time! Neither queen pulls out a stellar performance. Vivacious looks like what she is, an older man in a club dancing around. April at least looks more like she’s actually performing. Is it just me or have the lip synchs for this season been really underwhelming so far? I feel like people are just not turning it out. It’s an easy decision and Vivacious is told to sashay away. I’m disappointed really, I was hoping to see what other kinds of weird heads Vivacious kept around other than Ornacia.
I can use my imagination…
If you blinked you might have missed Courtney pretending to deep-throat Milk’s Pinocchio nose during the ending credits.
HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THIS SHOW?