RuPaul’s Big Opening is SO big… (“How big is it?”) It’s SO big that they needed two episodes to contain it!
We start off with the queens from episode one returning to the Werk Room after eliminations. They lament the first queen to sashay away (Bye Kelly! I still love you!) and squirt one another with silly string. Insert semen joke here. Then they all eat cupcakes. Drag queens eating cupcakes y’all, does life get any better that that? Oh wait, Ru just popped in to do her best Mommy Dearest impression, life does get better!
No wire hangers ever! So it’s time to meet the next batch of seven queens who are going to be competing on RuPaul’s Drag Race. First to arrive in the Werk Room is Bianca Del Rio and I am in love all over again. Kelly who?
Bianca is an insult comic, something I must have missed from her Meet the Queens video. Girl is hilarious and has dimples for days. She is my new favorite. Team Bianca!
Next is miss Trinity K. Bonet whose name is a little bit Jem and the Holograms, and a little bit Cosby Show. She looks like the baby of Elvis and Grace Jones. There is a hilariously long and awkward moment after Bianca and Trinity introduce themselves and then proceed to say absolutely nothing for several minutes.
Next to enter is Joslyn Fox. She of the very thirsty wig. She looks just as bad as she did in her meet the queens video and she’s as vacant as a drag convention in Salt Lake City (sorry Mormons!) That wig though, that wig! I want to set fire to it. I swear I’d let her take it off first though.
Next is the queen I’ve been waiting for, MILK! Milk is wearing some sort of little bolero getup with cutouts on the hip and has a bit of toilet paper purposely trailing from one of her platform sandals. She looks fabulous and kooky. Love her. The other queens are understandably perplexed by the wonder that is Milk. It reminds me a bit of Raja’s notorious cyclops hat entrance, in terms of the WTF factor. Anyone who makes me think of Raja is good in my book.
And then it’s Magnolia Crawford. Oh Magnolia. I pinned you from the get-go as someone who just didn’t seem to have the necessary Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent for this show, and you’ve proven me right. Girl walks in wearing a black body suit and a jacket that I would swear she smuggled out of her aunt’s closet. And it’s not a fashionable aunt. I’m ignoring the elephant in the room though. The hair. She looks like Beavis. You do NOT show up to RuPaul’s Drag Race in your aunt’s clothes looking like Beavis. It is a disgrace.
Courtney Act flutters in and she’s just a little ray of Australian Sunshine. Girl is fishy as hell, and you can tell some of the other girls kind of want to cut a bitch. The less confident queens are always intimidated by the fishiest one.
Enter Darienne Lake, the lone big girl this season. She seems fun and funny, and girl has got some tig ol’ bitties, and that always counts for something. She and Michelle Visage will at least have something to bond over.
The girls look over the leavings from last night’s (week’s? How frickin’ long does it take them to film these episodes anyway?) cupcake party, and start to wonder if something is up. Cue Mama Ru and the girls learn that they’re not the only girls in town. The news leads us to the first ever “Best Blow Job Face™” competition of the season! (Sorry Rich Juzwiak but I am totally stealing this from you. At least I’m giving you credit! Sissy that Walk!™)
Courtney Act wins!
No Bianca Del Rio wins!
No Milk wins! Oh heck, you’re ALL winners! Then Trinity wins life by reacting like this.
Love you Trinity!
Mini challenge! It’s another photo shoot with the lovely Mike Ruiz and the newly enhanced Pit Crew.
Well hello there sunshine.
These queens have it a bit easier than last week’s queens. Instead of having to look photogenic while flinging themselves in the air, these queens just need to make it work while being smacked with pillows. The non-dirty kind. Unfortunately the results are also a lot less funny. Joslyn Fox at least brought on some giggles when she inadvertently made herself look like Santa Claus.
For all the grief I give Joslyn, I will say that she has the best pair of legs I’ve ever seen on a drag queen.
Courtney Act also showed herself to be a good sport when she gamely started doing a chicken impression mid-photo shoot. Gamely. You see what I did there? What chicken isn’t considered game? Fuck you.
Trinity wins the photoshoot and therefore gets the first pick of the boxes for the main challenge. Each box contains a bunch of crap that will allow the queens to create a garment themed for a particular type of party. Trinity picks Princess Party for herself. BORING, a princess theme seems far too easy for a drag queen if you ask me. Bianca gets Luau, Joslyn gets Quinceañera which Trinity cannot pronounce at all. It’s ok girl, I don’t think I knew what a quinceañera was until I was thirty. Milk gets Toga Party, Darienne gets St. Patrick’s Day Party, Courtney gets Republican Party (WTF?) and Magnolia Crawford gets a Hoedown.
The girls start opening up their boxes and immediately Magnolia Crawford is just bitching, bitching BITCHING. She has all kinds of corny country stuff in her box and she is not happy about it. The most annoying thing is that she considers herself a trash queen. Why are you not liking this country trash then bitch? You’re on RuPaul’s Drag Race! Have FUN with it! I am just shaking my head at her.
We find out that the lovely Bianca has a background in sewing and costume construction. I like this girl even more, and I am DYING over her dimples.
Her dimples are so deep, she probably gets fucked in them. I’m sorry that’s just tasteless, I take it back, people probably make love to her in the dimples.
Darienne Lake has no frickin’ clue what she is doing. There is a hilarious exchange between her and Ru where she says a bunch of vague things that mean nothing at all and I start to wonder if she ever went to art school. Art school is little more than Bullshitting 101. Just tell everyone you meant it to be phallic and you’re golden.
Joslyn Fox’s quinceañera look is a ridiculous mess. She has a veritable circus of fabric on the table and her dress is turning out to be a hot mess. She is kind of adorable in her cluelessness though. She holds up the numbers that she got in her box of stuff and says, “I’m 51!”
“These are mah shuzz.”
She thinks that she’s going to do well though and claims that she’s the “black horse” in this competition? Say wha?
Why it gotta be black? I know I originally said I wanted Joslyn gone first, but now I take it back, because she does bring the funny.
Runway! RuPaul is as gorgeous and shimmery as usual.
First down the runway is Trinity K. Bonet.
I’m pleasantly surprised by this! She had mentioned wanting to do something inspired by Princess Leia and Kate Middleton, so to see Queen Amidala was a bit of a surprise. It was a nicely put together look though and was quite polished for such a young queen.
Bianca del Rio looking like she’s more than ready to get leied. She looked amazing and cute and the whole thing was just perfect. So much love.
Oh Darienne. This look was not good. Apart from it being green, nothing about this said St. Patrick’s Day. Boring, uninspired, unflattering, this was quite a let down, especially since Darienne was voted in by the online fans.
What the fuck is this Magnolia Crawford? She had denim, and gingham and straw and all kinds of stuff to work with and she makes a simple little dress out of a cow print and calls it a day? She even looked pissy and over it when she went down the runway. Ugh. I have no words for this queen, I pegged her as an underachiever from her Meet the Queens segment and damn was I right. She can’t get off of my television fast enough.
Oh Joslyn Fox. This is a whole lot of look. At least she did something though and it’s clear she put effort into it. A for effort, C for everything else. You crazy black horse you.
Courtney Act had republican party, so I’m not sure why she had so much blue fabric to work with? I do like that she popped out of the box which made it a little bit “Stripper at a Republican party” and much more appropriate. Or would that be inappropriate? I also finally figured out who Courtney Act reminds me of. She’s a dead ringer for Kristen Bell.
She did trip an awful lot on the runway though. Next time make your skirt a bit shorter girl! You don’t want to fall and mess up that pretty face!
Next is Milk in her wacky bearded Toga ensemble. That’s right. Girl wore a long thin white beard like Rip Van Winkle. Oh Milk, are you kooky just to be kooky or is there something behind it? I am curious to know more about milk and if she’s more than just a bit of a nutter.
The judges pick apart Magnolia for her ultra-lame cow dress and Magnolia immediately gets all defensive and bitchy with the judges.
“I didn’t like my box! I put a goddamn bow on my ass!” Sorry to break it to you girl, NO ONE likes your box. Bitch please, you know you were pissy through the whole challenge and you phoned it in. Your Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent is seriously lacking girl. I was so happy to hear Michelle Visage clock Magnolia for the awful contouring on her nose. That’s been driving me crazy since the first time I saw her. When it looks like someone has slammed your nose in a book, you’re doing something wrong.
Bianca del Rio’s luau look is heads and tails above the rest and she is the winner of this challenge. Yay Bianca!
The loser is a toss up between Darienne, Magnolia and Joslyn. I’m not surprised when Darienne and Magnolia are chosen to be in the bottom two. I’m rooting for Darienne to turn it and send Magnolia packing. Predictably, Magnolia also phones in the lip synch and Darienne easily trounces her and she is told to Sashay away. Good ridddance.
It’s a shame really, we may never know if she had a Butthead wig in her drag to match her Beavis one.
The queens head back to the Werk Room where they find the first batch of seven queens lying in wait. They glare daggers at one another and it’s clear that this has formed an immediately rivalry, the first six against the second six! What clever nicknames will they come up with a la the Heathers and the Boogers? The Newbies and the Oldies? The Fish and the Foul? The Tops and the Bottoms? Ooh the Shade of it All!™